Fuck off.

I never knew how much can these 2 words pierce into my heart.
Causing so much misery and tears.
Caught me shivering and speechless.
I don't know how to close this wound.

"Words are trash"
Tell me how much do I have to do to show you they meant everything?
I mean what I said, yet you never believed every single word.

You caught me yet again, losing myself.
Endless sessions of tears.
Frequent pain in the heart of mine.
Unknowingly drifting into all the words you ever said to me.

I'll be gone.
Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld

Real.

so much of those words, yet they are just empty.

promises are given for the sake of giving, no meaning.

you said you will have more free time,

i tried to squeeze time out specially just for you.

but all you gave me is empty words and disappointment.

to you, i'm always wrong and unimportant.

why do you treat me in this manner?

what i did that i deserve all these from you?

you making me weak and devastated.

i really hate myself so much, and you're the reason.

even when i'm leaving, you don't seem to give a damn.

you made a joke out of me.

to think i mind so much about you.

what a joke, i won't anymore.

i'm too tired.

You made me happy.

hey baby,

just when i was about to give up waiting,

you called me for some silly chat.

i was over excited that i'm couldn't stop smiling.

though i was the one who initiate to meet,

but you readily agreed.

i'm just a silly girl that feels happy just like that.

you brought smiles to my face.

if you were around, i bet you would have laughed at me.

you made me laughed at those paranoid moments i had,

you made me can't keep my eyes of you,

you definitely made me happy.

i love you baby.

i wanna spend so much more time with you.

you presence is so much needed.

thanks for today.

Love me all over again.

sorry for my freaky actions,

insecurities just over take me.

i'm just too scare and afraid.

nightmares please don't get too real.

i've decided to let you take the lead.

i won't be the first to do everything anymore.

it takes both to make it work.

worn off is how i'm feeling.

baby, please notice and take some actions.

don't make me wait too long.

i need you to be here and care for me.

cause i just love you.

i don't wanna give up so easily,

cause it took me great courage to step into a relationship again.

don't let me get hurt, don't leave.

i do all these cause i just care too much about you.

i'm obsessed with you.

i don't know what's so good about you,

but i know i just want you to be with me.

please, don't lie to me.

it's because i love you.

Nightmare.



staring into the empty darkness,
trying to catch a glimsp of sleep.
yet falling into insomnia,
with hundreds of thoughts running through my mind.

family, friends, boyfriend or even strangers,
just seem to run in the speed of light through the thoughts.
my heart is screaming in pain,
yet nobody seem to knows.

once fallen into sleep,
i'm awoken with streams of nightmares.
nightmares of everything out to get me down.
woken up with fear and dampen emotions.

i'm scare, so scare that everything will be real.
i think it through days,
causing my smile to crease.
alone is all i can feel.

i wish there's someone to hug me tight,
ensuring me things will be alright.
yet, emptiness and loneliness is all i felt.
nobody is here.

no, don't lie that you're gonna be here with me.
you know you're not gonna be here.
this world is selfish, even those who is closest to my heart.
i'm alone in tears, with mind unclear.

save me, i need somebody to take me away.
i'm really scare.
probably suicide is the best solution to my agony.
i'll make it to reality.

give me some time.

20.10.2010

please stay with me.

stop making me as if i'm hanging in the air.

i need your love, i need your actions.

baby, show it to me will you?

show me more of your concern and love.

tell me your misses and make me feel the existences.

touch me with your small actions in heart.

please baby, i need all of them.

don't lie to me, i can't take it.

don't fool me, i'll breakdown.

don't break my heart, it will be over.

don't stay, if there's no longer love.

be happy.

I really wish that you will love me more.

The more i tell myself to stop thinking, the more i miss you.

The more i wanna hate you, i love you even more.

I'm so sick of you, yet i love you too much to let go.

baby, i really miss you.

Worn out.

Trust is the main factor to make things right.
But somehow it seems so hard to.
I'm forcing myself, believing every words you said.
I'm tired, energy is running out.

I really wish to spend more time with you.
Yet I'm doubting you feel the same way too.
You rather do your own things without me.
I'm never included.

Can I hold on to you forever?
Do I even have the strength to carry on much longer?
I'm just a normal any other girl.
Tender loving care is needed in me too.

I want you to care, I want you to be here.
I want your texts, I want your calls.
I want your time, I want your presence.
But I know it's hard for you to give.

I shall not be demanding, I shall just bear with it.
I shall not pester you, I shall wait for you.
I shall not annoy you, I shall remain my silence.
I shall not tie you with my demands, I shall be there for you.

As much as I wanna show you, I love you baby.
Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld

In your eyes..

i'm all to blame.

i think too much.

i'm just too free.

i'm just a passerby.

you never know,

i'm a girl that i need you to be here.

i'm a girl that have been trying really hard to grab your attention.

i'm a girl who willing to go all out for you.

but you just ignored everything about me,

and just focus so much on yourself.

what am i really to you?

i'm beginning to feel lost.

reading the messages you used to send me.

all seem to be so different with the happenings.

you making me feel so depressed.

all i long for is you to at least drop me a text.

everything that have to be related to you,

seem so far away and impossible.

don't you know, do you know?

all i wanted, all that you're giving.

you making me to have so much doubts.

how do you want me to trust you and hold on.

i'm losing my grip slowly.

yet i believe, you will never care.

i feel like a fool.

I'm imperfect.

I'm all to blame.
Making you feeling so stressed and troubled.
I'm sorry, I don't know how to be right.
Maybe ending will means perfection.

No, I don't wanna let you go.
But, it will be more perfect that way.
I don't deny my feelings is there.
Yet, I couldn't bear to give you anymore pain.

I'll rather suffer in silence than to bring you pain.
I'm not good enough for you.
I'm not even close to perfection.
But I just want you near me so badly.

What else can I do?
Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld

I'm imperfect.

I'm all to blame.
Making you feeling so stressed and troubled.
I'm sorry, I don't know how to be right.
Maybe ending will means perfection.

No, I don't wanna let you go.
But, it will be more perfect that way.
I don't deny my feelings is there.
Yet, I couldn't bear to give you anymore pain.

I'll rather suffer in silence than to bring you pain.
I'm not good enough for you.
I'm not even close to perfection.
But I just want you near me so badly.

What else can I do?
Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld

Heavy hearted.

Waking up today seem to be another mistake.
Quarrels, shouting and crying filled the house.
I felt the weight in my heart the I can't stand.
I already feel torture enough, please stop.

I feel like messaging someone at that very moment.
But I could not find words to say.
I don't seem to be able express myself.
I'm scare, really scare.

Family should just stop waking me up in this manner.
Why does it seem to be so hard and tough?
I always wish that my family will have no drama.
It's really depressing to be me.

I can't hold longer.
Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld

Courage.

The will to live,
The strength to face,
The brave to go through,
It's all about courage.

I've lost every bit of it.
I can't bring myself to face, to live, to go through any bits.
Everything will just end up in lies.
I'm not up for it.

Not much to begin with,
Too much to end with.
I'm a pathetic loser I admit.
Ending up in tears.

How to find courage?
I will never know.
Given up, everything is pointless.
Stone away.

I'm really tired.
No longer who I am.
Getting worst,
Getting too lost.

Courage, where are you?
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Too much.

When matters do not lay still,
When there's too much complications,
When tears flow too much,
When dishearten falls.

Put those words in,
That's what people think.
Hard to defend,
Pointless to do so.

They insisted, they added in force.
Tears rolled, people ignored.
Accuse, outcast, drift and finally forgot.
They are just part and parcel.

I've done my say,
Too much happening for me to handle.
I can't cope, I can't bear with it.
Give me some time.

Goodbye.
Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld

PAIN.

you don't know how much it hurts.

those words you said seem to piercing through me innocently.

tell me how to believe that you're actually those kind of people?

show me the real you i beg.

i've been through and holding on too much.

i won't be able to hold it much longer.

you have to know i do have my limits.

i'm not just a toy for you to play with.

masked myself to hide those tears and emotions.

hide my fears and agony from all.

what else can i do cept for all these?

i just wanna be normal.

relationship isn't my game.

The Smile.

how to tell when things become fake?

how to tell when smile is just an act?

things turn unreal with unexplainable reasons.

smiles became fake with a show to play.

my smile is no longer real.

i'm so tired of having to fake,

yet i can never put on that perfect smile anymore.

i'm never gonna be the same.

Burden.




Constant wishing that growing up is not a must.
Not that there's desire of any fairy tales.
But just the hatred of having to tear with all the matters.
There's too much to handle.

In your eyes, I've never grown.
In your eyes, I'm still the spoilt child.
In your eyes, I never ever learn to save
In your eyes, everything is negative.

But in fact, I've grown up.
But in fact, I'm fairly independent.
But in fact, I did tried to save.
But in fact, I'm not everything that terrible.

Stop throwing all the burdens to me.
Claiming it's my responsibilities.
I don't have the strength or power to do so.
No, I'm not trying to shrink away from my share.

Don't feed me with guilt that I shouldn't get.
You once said, I need not worry.
I do feel the guilt resulted by my fault.
I'm a human too.

Sometimes I really wish that you know.
What you all giving me, bring me silent tears.
The pressure, the burdens, the guilts and everything.
I feel so terrible and trapped.

Yet I couldn't speak up to you,
Black face, rude words and other implications.
Tell me what to do to make you all understand?
I've grown up, I know everything, I'm not what you think.

Dear sisters, am I really your blood sister?
Why do I seem so distance away from you all?
I do wish that you all can know everything of mine.
But it seem so impossible.

Dear sisters, can you give me more understanding?
I really won't be able to take it much longer.
Will you even be nice and spend some alone time with me?
How long have it been?

I wish you all really treat me as your sister.
Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld

Express.

Tell me a way, a method.
Tell me how, an explanation.
Tell me the directions, lead the way.
Stop the tears flowing, I'm sick of it.

How to express everything into words?
I need to share, yet I'm not up to it.
I can't do it right, nobody understands.
Bottom everything up, that's all I can do.

How many things I have been hiding?
There's nobody I can really tell.
Everybody seem to be a lie.
Actor and actress, you're not needed.

I'm so much in debt.
Financially, emotionally, physically and mentally.
How bad can everything be when all pours on me?
I need an escape..

Bring me away.
Put me behind the bars.
I'm nothing, but criminal in life.
Lost in agony.
Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld

INSANITY.

you don't know the feeling of the receiver.

you don't know the feeling of the person been played.

you don't know the feeling of know something so crude.

you know nothing about all these.

it's driving me insane with all the running thoughts.

it's driving me insane with every scene and sentence replaying.

it's driving me insane with having to act i'm perfectly normal and fine.

everything is really driving me insane.

i wanna be true to myself.

i wanna open up to let people help me for once.

i wanna erase all these nightmares and live anew.

feeling so tough and uneasy in this state.

every moment i feel like i'm a joker.

every moment i feel like i can just die with all these nonsense.

every moment i feel like i should just breakdown and end everything.

i really do not want to continue this way any longer.

somebody, save me.

Yet another, lies.

tell me why,

why my life revolves around lies?

everybody just lie to me.

there's no truth to anything.

i'm feeling terrible,

i can't stop crying.

why must things end up this way?

i wish to isolate myself.

i'm just another girl.

probably another satisfying toy for you to fool around.

you don't know how much it hurts,

cause it's not happening to you.

kill me in silence, you're doing it.

pain me with tears, where scars stay forever.

put on another act, deceive me once again

reveal the truth, hurt is becoming an usual.

ended up, i'm a joker once again.

Addiction.

rules are set, i broke it.

i couldn't control.

it have became an addiction.

uncontrollable addiction.

i thought i've stopped it well.

but that doesn't seem to be the case.

a little poison arouse it back to one point.

i'm such a failure.

how do i face up?

unbelievable truth.

there's a monster in me,

i can't get rid of.

i have to stop it, beyond acceptance.

True.

How many lies have to be made?
For show, for comfort, for attention?
Is there a need for all these?
I really doubt so.

Why can't we just live how we suppose to be?
Everything shall be the truth.
No lies or tales.
It will never happen.

I'm scare, I'm afraid.
Everything have it's mask.
I can't see the truth of anything.
Should I be like that?

I start to fear.
Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld

Needed.

all i really needed is just someone to be true.

i don't want to be the only one who keep giving.

receiving is so much needed in me as well.

i need someone to treat me well, at least not in this way.

i'm changing slowly.

a need to protect myself.

i've lived long enough in deny.

treating myself better is much in need.

don't make use of me to satisfy your need.

i'm not a toy for you to that.

don't treat me like an idiot when i don't retaliate.

i'm not that somebody who you can step on.

treat me real, i'm a human.

emotions and thoughts do fill me up.

i do bleed and get hurt.

i do fear and get scare.

i'm not dead.

ponder and reveal.

sometimes i really wonder why am i so emotional.

it's like i can cry myself to sleep, not in mood to do anything.

and i'll just feel like hiding at home and be in my bed.

is this normal??

it is not as if i have some major breakups,

someone left me for good in another world,

family abuse or any kind of unfortunate stuff.

but why do i always feel so down?

no wrong that there are guys trying to make fool of my life.

theoretically, fuck and died.

yes, they tried to get me in the wrong dirty disgusting way.

do i even look like a free whore to you?

you guys gross me up.

if i'm lacking of control, i'd have slapped you and waking you up.

don't ever treat girls in all these manner, show them some respect.

but yet, guys just can't be bothered with their vertical sticks.

money is probably another stressful stuff for me.

i've been spoil since i'm young.

not that i get hundreds to spend but i do get what i want most of the time.

but now, everything is so different for me.

there's nobody to buy things for me, not even on birthday.

everything i want i have to work to get it.

be it just a simple dress or maybe some relaxing meal.

sometimes i feel so pathetic when my pals have to accommodate my budget.

there's so many bills for me to pay up,

there's so many things i have been longing to get.

there's so many and so many, the list seem to be endless.

if only i can strike it big instantly.

family seem to be taxing me in all areas.

money, time and emotions.

they don't seem to understand me at all.

i'm only a 20 year old kid.

i know, i'm not that young, but i do have my limits.

i need the care and concern that can only be given by family.

i'm not a superwoman who can handle everything alone.

give me some family time, and let me reminiscent.

how many of you are left in my list, friends?

i can pathetically count the number of you with one hand.

why do you all leave me here all alone?

do you know that i miss you all so much?

you all seem to have rejected me and forgotten my existence.

as much as i wish to ring you all up, i don't know where to begin.

you all seem to be so distance away from me,

"hello" doesn't seem to be able to reach your side.

i've never been confident with my looks.

yes, i admit i am another ugly and fat living in this world.

every time i look in the mirror, feeling of dejected overwhelm me.

"how can i be prettier?" i constantly asking myself.

perhaps make up help, but it's not real, a lie.

i certainly do envy people with natural beauty.

no make up yet they still stand out from the crowd.

why can't i just be like them?

even if i put on make up, i'll still never stand out or look any better.

i seriously do feel disgusted with my looks and size.

i do wish to hide or run away when i'm out with all kind of glamorous people.

i don't feel good seeing people.

all in all, i'm unhappy.

Nobody!



I hate to be nobody!
Honestly, I don't sound out that doesn't mean I no emotion.
How much do you want me to do?
I had enough!

I suffering so much cause I though you are okay.
But fuck you seriously!
Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld

Leaving.

is that a choice for all?

leaving, everything seem to be so empty now.

misses and memories will be left.

but guess, there's no other choices.

holding on, wishing that all will stay or return.

impossible, i know.

just another empty hope.

yet none will know.

nothing will be voice out.

remain silent is what i can do.

no words to be said to increase the pressure.

all have their choices.

i certainly will miss you people.

but i doubt you will do so too.

i'm just another passerby.

have no stand in anything.

take care in everything.

Losing myself.

darkness filled everywhere i move.

i could no longer see or feel what's ahead of me.

even the light from my cigarettes seem to be useless.

drowning with the booze yet i'm wide awake with the emotions and thoughts.

i'm losing myself, could no longer hold back.

i'm weak, brave front does not exist anymore.

exhausted till the point of breaking down.

no more strength to hold back those heavy tears.

shadows come and go,

nightmares haunt me every night.

i fear for all these,

please don't do this to me.

somebody, someone.

everything is just a pack of lies.

i don't wanna hear, i don't wanna know.

i rather suffer with those remains.

i needed a living, not dead.

the feeling is so strong, drowning me.

feeling so uncertain, so unsure.

nobody's here.

alone.

why.




Reasons are unclear,
Motives are unclear.
Why do I feel this way?
I'm unsure.

Emotional seem to be my forte,
But there bound to be reason for it.
What are the reasons?
Why do they even exist?

It doesn't seem to be easy for me.
I just want to be happy?
Why doesn't my environment permits?
Oh why, I need to know.

Disturbed sleep every night,
I need to shift to somewhere with peace.
There isn't a place for me.
Why, is it so difficult?

Drifting into thoughts,
Thoughts that seem to be a real mood killer.
I'm really tired yet it's uncontrollable.
Why, is this sign of being depress?

Where's my happy pills?
I need them badly.


Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld

Dampen.




How does it feels to have all pouring at you?
No one you can reach out to,
Nobody there to hold you.
Dampen by the emotional rain.

Be it whether am I walking under the scorching sun,
Be it whether am I walking in the pouring rain,
Feeling of lost, feeling of having mixed emotions,
Remains there without any movement.

I beg for help,
I scream with those nightmares,
Nobody seem to hear me,
In a vacuum world, soundless.

I wonder,
How is it like to bid the world goodbye?
How is it like to leave and ending everything?
In deep thoughts.

Sleepless night,
Fake smile and laughters,
Soulless living,
An empty shell.

Feeling really terrible, help.
Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld

Rainy.


Listening to the pouring rain,
Looking at each droplet falling in front of the eyes,
Can't help it, but rains in me as well.
I'm too emotional.

I can feel my eyes getting teary,
I can feel my heart sinking in deeper.
Thoughts came flooding back to me,
I know I shouldn't have.

I wish there will be a machine bringing me back into the past,
To the place where I still have you beside me.
To the place where you teach me how,
To the place you make me fall in deeper.

I know I shouldn't, time to let go.
This rain, just makes me think of you more.
I know I should stop everything about you,
But I came to realisation that I still feels.

Lying on my bed,
listening to the rain falls.
Thoughts of the fact that you left,
Making it rains on me.

I've got the urge,
The urge to run through the rain,
To the place that you are now.
To hold you and tell you how much I miss you.

But what's the use?
You're gone.
Not by my side anymore.
Not there to hear my nonsense.

You seem to have gone for good.
You're happy now.
What am I to do anything?
Where can I stand to reach out to you?

G, I miss you.
Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld

Rust.

Leave things there,
Rust will form.
It's like an open wound,
Waiting to get infected.

Nobody to heal,
Nobody to take care,
Just leave it there,
It will just get worst.

Rust, just let it be.
Drift, without a word.
Pain, just a part of the process.
Numb, it will be.

Tell me, a word of direction.
Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld

Hopes.

No more hopes are given.
Too much disappointments were received.
Not born to accommodate.
Beyond limits to handle.

Space is needed,
Nobody ever return the same treatment.
More than enough,
A must to let loose.

Suffocation is done,
Death of heart shall be.
Nobody to fix,
Blames are point this way instead.

No more words, silence fall.
Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld

Casual.

Casual stuff makes me happy,
Putting a silly smile onto me.
I don't expect much, I guess.
Small things like that, lighten my mood.

Though, it will never last.
But least, it happened for that moment.
Though, those words make no sense.
But least, it gave me silly entertainment.

I realised, I learnt.
Happenings like these, is all I need.
Thanks for it, I appreciate it.
My mood have lighten.

I'm a small kid at times. :)

Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld

Words.

Those words keep replaying in my head.
Actions done causing a lost in me.
I feel shameless, I feel cheap.
I'm another victim, that's what they said.

Though I denied the truth,
But I do feel that I'm pathetic.
I've got no one to turn to.
I admit, I've got a thing for him then.

Such a great lier,
Deceiving the whole world.
You're not everything,
Words have spread, you deserved it.

What are you lacking of?
Nothing but honesty.
You're almost perfect,
But you current actions, disgrace everything.

Such a pity,
Why are you doing this?
What a womaniser,
You ought to be gone.

Your appearance made my heart skipped a beat,
Yet you actions made it shattered.
I don't understand you,
Why are you doing yourself in this manner?

What a shame, I must say.
Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld

Words.

Don't put those words into lies.
It felt so right when you said it.
Remember those words,
Don't change it in your pace.

You made the words to promises.
It's these promises that I believed in.
Don't forget these promises,
They mean much to me.

I'm not a fool,
Don't make me into one.
I do not put a show for your entertainment
It breaks me up.

I'm not as strong as you think I am.
In fact, I'm weak and breaking down.
I needed all those to keep me in place.
So much of it, just lies.

Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld

Hong Kong, Macau, Zhu Hai

sorry that i've not been updating.

yes, there's people nagging at me for not updating.

well, schoolwork, emotion entanglement, friends and work have been eating up all my time.

till now, i'm have a little more time.

well, been to Macau and Hong Kong for a short holiday with seb and tonny.

it was fun, and it's like whole new experience.

i have always wanted to go there anyway.

so yes, guess this the present i gave to myself this year.

words will be minimum, photos up.

you can view more photos in my facebook.

there's no privacy setting, not to worry.

i'm dozing off, bad day today.

Macau, Venetian Hotel

PS : where can you see such classy lights in toilet? CASINO.

seriously, i was so excited when i see this. but when i finally connected to it, it's time to board the ferry to Hong Kong. fuck and die.

i guess Singapore should serve Wanton Mee with beef slice. This one is totally awesome. Beef slice is really tender and the soup doesn't taste like MSG filled. Noodle do have it's texture. Miss it.

beat it, it's an Ice Cream Van. NO, the ice cream is not nice at all. too milky, quite gross after awhile.

I LOVE THIS STALL! EVERY NIGHT IN HONG KONG SUPPER!

THIS, SPICY FISHBALL, IS AN EXTREMELY MUST TRY! i can't seem to have enough of it luh.

total disappointment, waste of my money. i could have shop more. =/

Beverly Plaza Hotel.

Singapore's KFC, please have this real soon.

i do miss Hong Kong for their delicacies.

and i've yet to explore the whole Hong Kong and Macau.

perhaps, i'll go back there soon to continue the unfinished trip.

yes, pay my debts and save up!

Killer in the Heart

Accommodations, I always did.
Disappointment, I always get.
Reasons on why I can never smile from heart is obvious.
Thanks to those around, spot yourself.

How much I've given without anything in return?
How much have I ever received?
It's not comparable, don't put it into shame.
Thanks for never being there.

Sometimes I really wish,
Sometimes I really needed,
Yet rejections were gotten in return.
Thanks for being so mean to me.

I did not wrong,
Yet my actions seem to be in need of corrections.
I'm always in wrong in the eyes of yours.
Thanks for making me to be the blame.

I should stop being nice.
I should stop accommodating.
I should stop letting you all to step over me.
Thanks for making me fear.

Spot what you ever did for me.
Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld

back at one spot.

was away in hong kong for holiday.

i did had a great time, but realization came in as well.

thoughts have being running through my mind unconsciously.

i'm really pretty tired of everything.

i'm really tired.

shall reveal more in the next post or so.

be back soon.

The end,

you misled me,

you lied to me,

you captured me,

you dumped me.

not that we are ever together,

and i jolly well know that you have a girlfriend.

but still, why do you wanna do all these to me?

i already tried so hard to ignore all your messages, yet you made soft hearted everytime.

i admit, everything was a mistake since that very time.

i pulled myself away, yet you kept pulling me back.

i felt so alone, you never knew.

and, you just ended it with a text message.

no, i don't feel as hurt as i thought i would.

but this feeling isn't that great as well.

you made me feel like an ultimate slut,

it's all just for your own gains.

you never bothers, you never really care.

i couldn't even have you for the last time.

you lied to me, every single time.

i took everything, foolishly.

goodbye, lover.

MYSELF, happy birthday.

well, i'm finally in me 20.

yes, i no longer 1x.

getting old really fast.

well, i wouldn't say i'm really disappointed with my birthday,

least, i do have friends, Kimberly and clique, and my beloved Serene to celebrate it with me.

i can really tell who's really there for me and who's not.

yes, i'm really disappointed with friends who i thought was closest to my heart.

i really doubt they actually remember my birthday.

why, cause, i've disable my facebook birthday notification.

and true enough, not much people actually wish me.

heartless or forgetful?

i don't really wanna comment on it.

neither do i wanna judge anyone.

i'll just let it pass keeping everything in my heart.

i do seriously hope this year will be better.

thanks Serene for always being there.

though you have school early in the morning, at 8am, you still make the effort to be there.

and yes, you bear with the killer heels pain.

oh, and the almost-caused-me-dead super flaming lambo.

so much loved, seriously.

thanks Peijun, darling, for delivering my present to my doorstep though i'm not home.

it did surprised me, and i feel touch.

i actually thought you did forget about my birthday.

but, love you for this small little surprise.

promise, i'll buy you another ring. :)

thanks Kimberly for partying with me tonight.

accompanied me throughout, especially those heated up experiences.

thanks for forgoing your studies for a night just to party with me.

sorry that i must have bored you with my smoking breaks.

but you're so much loved.

well, pretty pathetic when i sincerely have this few to thank.

but i really do appreciate it, from the bottom of my heart.

anyway, thanks for the wishes people.

simple words make one feels better.

loves to those whom i know now.

All I just wanted, everything to be fine.
Least to enjoy, yet it never ever happened.
Cried myself to sleep every now and then.
I've never ever liked it.

I just want a happy birthday.
Why is it so tough?
Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld

How true that blood is thicker than water?
But not ever in my case.
I trusted you so, yet you are not even there.
Not even a least of thoughts to my birthday.

I told you why and explained.
Yet you insisted to ask me to give another chance.
You don't know how terrifying is it for me.
I could never get away from those happening.

Nobody bothers about me, even on my birthday.
Probably, I should really thanks you all for it.
Damn fuck, I should not even celebrate it now.
Maybe, just being alone is better than anything.

Wait, does anybody even knows it's my birthday this coming sunday?
Fuck and die.

Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld

agony.

i hate to see birthday celebration.

when i know, mine will never be as great as theirs.

yes, i admit, i'm jealous and filled with envy.

only if you know how i spent my past 8 years of birthday.

i really wish, somehow.

just for a better birthday without ending up in tears.

just some people to shower me in surprises and love.

yet, it never happened.

close to it, but all ended up being screwed.

i don't know whether is it fated or pure coincidence?

i give up, i should have just give up long ago.

but i always crave for something.

it's coming, 6 more days.

disappointment will be filled, i know.

probably, nobody remembers, nobody knows about it.

fuck it, i've just like a dust particle.

goodbye.

Remembering back then,
Remembering everything that had once happened.
Looking at now,
Looking at all the happening, realising how much have changed within such a short period of time.

Misses is unavoidable.
But what can be done?
There isn't a way to revert back.
Things left there, can never be retrieve.

Bid them goodbye,
Yet traces of imprint are left.
Where's the rainbow that supposed to show?
It seem to have lost it's way.

Is it a saddening tragic?
Or is it a miserable happy ending?
No words to add on,
It has to be ended there.

Who's the author who wrote everything?
We, ourselves.
Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld

Stone away.

draining away,

nothing was left.

couldn't recuperate,

lost of breath.

where's the pause button?

i needed it badly.

no, i don't wanna stop.

i have to go on.

let me go, you have to.

i can't remain, i don't belong.

take those memories away,

it's a killer, it's suicidal.

drown me with painkillers,

which has never work.

i feel so stone, let me drift.

don't bring me back to reality.

I really feel like laughing.
Why am I always in this pathetic and joke state?
Do I have the looks that I can never be number one?
Why is it so hard?

I just one a proper one.
There to make me the one.
There to tell me, I'm the only.
There to assure me.

But crap, there isn't any.
I give up, I surrender.
I won't believe, I won't trust.
Lies filled the whole of everything.

I'm speechless, that's it for everthing.
No words, no explanations.
Stop it, end it.
Goodbye, forever.

Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld

Neglected.

my health, my family, my friends.

i believe that i've neglected them totally cause of my selfish wish.

yes, that's to earn money for my birthday.

it's only a about 2 more weeks away.

i've been so busy and tired till i barely even have the time to type over here.

and i believe, my total funds now is barely even 500.

can any kind soul just give me some amount?

just a dollar, i'll appreciate it.

lots of alcohol in my body now.

thanks to my job.

no, i don't get drunk.

but my body seem to be getting weaker.

i couldn't get enough sleep.

i can't sleep well, nightmares.

they can't seem to stop bothering me.

someone, somebody, please put me to sleep.

i do wonder, if my choice is right.

but since it's made, i can't do much about it.

regrets, not my type.

i've gotta live with it well.

make me grow up, i need to be stronger.

i don't have anybody with me.

all my friends, they seem to be not around.

my family, speechless.

i don't have a boyfriend, i can't be bother.

i don't believe in love, i can't.

i don't wanna be fooled over and over again.

it's pathetic.

love me, don't you?

never.

that's not it.

as always, what can i do?

i'm fine, i'm okay.

it's not the fact.

just that, i'm used to it.

i've gotta force myself,

i've gotta bend my feelings,

i've gotta let go of my thoughts,

just not to make things ugly.

i'm demanding,

but there isn't a exit for it.

as much as i need to reach out,

the more i get rejected and dump.

make this a joke,

laugh out loud at me.

make me a joke,

treat me as a clown.

i wouldn't mind,

i wouldn't care.

just be there,

that's all i need.

yet, nobody knows,

nobody understand.

misunderstand and left.

what's more to add?

it's done,

i'm losing myself.

where am i?

the past tense.

There's times silence is much needed,
Yet there's times that words are needed so badly.
Don't leave it hanging,
Complete that pathetic puzzle of curiosity.

Uncompleted, unanwered.
Annoyance build up.
Fustrations, irritation.
The other suffers.

Just that simple task,
Yet it seem so impossible you made it.
A selfish choice of yours,
Bring deafness into me.

Moving away,
But it just keep coming back.
No leads, no clue.
Just tonnes of unnecessary thinking.

You, left me there.
In pain of the confusion.

Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld

Alone yet again,
My mind starting to run wild.
Hold back those tears,
Yet my heart souring with emotions.

I feel like speaking,
The space I needed is not there.
I wanna let you know so much,
It's the past that I've let go.

Tell me that, you promised.
Another broken words.
You made me trust,
All is over.

You once said,
You're here.
In my mind,
Another lie you made.

I gave you faith,
Disappointment I gotten in return.
I gave up,
You didn't try.

What's left,
An end of everything.
Reminiscing of everything,
You didn't know.
Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld

Piercing Pain.

i don't know if that's the option i should made.

i shouldn't make myself miserable anymore,

i should put an end to it, but yet, i'm bleeding.

it seem like it's getting worst than before.

guess it's only the beginning.

time will heal all wounds, hopefully.

but, there's bound to be scars.

scar remover doesn't exist in this case.

she's someone that i'll go great length for.

too late, i gave up.

guess she will be better off without me.

i know she will.

take care.

when there's no words to describe.

i won't deny how much you have disappoint me.

i won't deny that i'm angry with you.

but yet, i'm sorry that you didn't do well.

what else more do you what me to say?

yes, you're never a good friend there for me at all.

not even just once, i don't remember any.

maybe you took me for granted, maybe treated me as a fool.

i wouldn't know.

how much disappointment have you actually gave me.

and all of them, were such a blow in my face.

truth to said, i've long give me.

give up on everything that are related to you.

that's was my last hope pinned on you.

you don't know how i feel all these times.

you're like a friend that i tried to hard to have.

now then did i realised, you're merely a familiar stranger.

i don't even know you anymore.

to think, i looked forward your papers to end.

yet, what i gotten from all the waiting?

disappointment, yet again.

if you only how much things you promised me,

if you remember how you broke all those promises.

a friend, indeed a friend.

goodbye, familiar stranger.

With a tag : Stress.

yes, it's studying period.

exams on friday and saturday.

i really hate it, but i don't seem to have a choice either.

i don't get it, why is it so sufferable.

in additional, i'm not feeling well and having some emotional lockdown.

i was having blackout and almost fainted just now went i'm out.

it's no joke, i couldn't see properly for 10 mins.

i'm scare.

problems, please leave me for good.

why do you all seem to be so stuck with me?

don't you know i'm really avoiding you all?

shooo shooo get away from me.

this is when i can tell i miss you.

IRRITABLE!

seriously, what's wrong with me?

fuck and die.

Born to be a Fool.

perhaps, my biggest regret is that i'm surviving for so long.

i should have been dead long ago, i should have.

guess, i'll be happier that way.

i waited, and waited.

yet, you ignored my presence, you ignored my emotions.

you simply ignored everything.

my stand is no longer the same.

i treated you my best, you treated me as fool, a stranger.

ask yourself, how i treated you and how you have treated me all these while.

you have your ongoing stuff, i don't blame.

but i too have my ongoing stuff, and will still take the effort to reply.

yet, you simply ignore.

don't tell me another word of yours.

your words, i can no longer believe in.

you're not there when i needed.

when you're in need, i offered to be there, yet you always reject.

you tell me what should i do, what can i do?

i lied to you i admit, you always upset me when you turned me down.

you upset me, made me pissed.

but what else can i do or say?

lies, this is to lessen the guilt that you may have.

i never will want you to feel bad about anything.

cause, you're a great friend to me, somehow.

yet, you repeat these acts so easily.

leaving me there hanging.

words, they are just plain lies.

sincerity should be showed through actions, not words.

words are cheap, actions are priceless.

but what action did i get?

don't treat me as a fool, i beg.

not this way, i won't be able to take it any longer.

i'm on the verge on giving up.

giving up on everything.

i hate myself, to be so forgiving, to be soft hearted.

never will i want to be treated in this manner, but why?

sometimes, i really do wish to be treated better.

someone to treat me really as a friend, selfless towards me.

there isn't any at all.

'fuck and die' maybe the just the perfect phrase for everything happening recently.

if only you could,

look into my eyes, connect to my heart.

a need to know, a need to let go.

a touch of sincerity, bring in great miles.

you have to know, yet unknowingly.

how to express, how to make it known.

different words, nothing escape.

plain stupid, an act put on.

what's the point, tears shed.

just one small touch, ownership belongs.

those thoughts, no one can read.

expose it, a need to understand the deepest mind.

a depth of heart, a depth of love.

Goodbye.

you all were once my playmates.

you all were there during those lifeless countdown.

you all were once the people that i see most during a week.

you all were been missed when i stopped everything and left.

but after yesterday, i felt that everything seem to be so pointless now.

i missed you all so much, but now i felt like a total stranger.

slience is all i can hear, not a word spoken.

what happened?

it's time to move on, Jacq.

you will find better people in a new place, new environment.

you shouldn't have even turn up or miss them at all.

you shouldn't have, that chapter have ended.

thanks for everything, the memories, the joy, the fun.

i should put a stop here now.

you guys were great.

no more dwelling over it.

Breaking in Fear.

frequent nightmares, broke up in sweat.

continuously haunting me, making me fear.

unable to move on, unable to let go.

i can't handle myself anymore.

you're so dear to me, yet there's too much common.

i'm afraid, imperfection.

a wrong word, a wrong act

misunderstanding might just occur.

tell me what to do, tell me how.

maybe i should just stop, no wrong should go further.

a stop to all these, not to cheapen myself further either.

nothing should proceed further than norm.

a lesson to be learnt, yet i didn't.

an err to prevent, yet its repeating.

a threat that wasn't necessary, yet thanks to foolishness.

constantly making sin, i'm a sinner.

tell me what should be done?

Mistakes to be lived with.

Cause nobody wants to be the last one there.

Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares.
Someone to love with my life in their hands.
There`s gotta be somebody for me like that.

Cause nobody wants to do it on their own
And everyone wants to know they´re not alone.
There's somebody else that feels the same somewhere.
There`s gotta be somebody for me out there.

i'm really sorry for all the silly things i've done.

was looking through those photos taken back then.

and now then did i realised, i'm missing them.

not just friends alone, it's the moment spent.

i know things will not change to the way it used to be

but least, i really wish that everything could be slightly similar.

blame me for not having the courage to speak up and apologize.

blame me for being so reckless and ignorance.

Clique 8

we were never that close as in a whole.

maybe we were close to certain individuals.

at least, you all are a group that's around me for the entire secondary school times.

created lots of emotions in me and let me understand.

you all weren't exactly there, maybe a certain few.

i'm too different from all of you, i knew it all along.

but i tried my best to accommodate, all unnecessary.

yet, i still miss those times in secondary school with you all.

crazy soccer session with all the crazy screaming,

lunch times together, neoprint sessions in town,

chilling out sessions in school and outside school.

awful quarrels, painful tears, lifetime suicide,

unimportant birthday celebration of mine,

ignorance to my feelings, mask that i wore all the times.

this is really how i felt, you all never knew.

you all are already a part of my past.

i do miss you all at times, but i know, i know.

blame it all on me.

Karen

you're my twins, we had same birthday and everything common.

i enjoyed all my times with you, i love you like my real sister.

i'm willing to just be there without anything in return.

my closest friend since primary school.

i'm bad at times, we do clashed at times due to our similar, hot temper.

i'm envy of you all times, you're someone that i do look up to.

you're a big sister who look out to me.

i'm grateful for it.

but everything keeps going up and down.

our friendship is just like a roller coaster ride.

i do treasure the times.

though we're not contacting anymore,

but whenever i pass by your place or area,

i would have the strong urge to give you a message or call.

yet i do not have the courage to send you that simple message.

i don't know what happened between us,

yet we just stopped contacting.

i heard words, and i'm upset.

but i still want you as my friend.

i do hope everything is good for you.

PJ, HK, YL.

simple people bring simple actions to make you day.

thanks for accepting me for who am i and all the simple times.

movies, chill out at mac, and cold jokes.

you're so much missed by me.

although it have been a really long time since we last met as a whole,

but i'll never forget you all and you're constantly on my mind.

seriously, i do wish we will meet up really soon.

just a simple dinner, simple chit chat session will do.

i really do miss those times in secondary school.

where we can meet anytime and go out after school.

it seems so tough nowadays with our different commitments.

and our timing always seem to clash.

you're missed.

Karen and Jasmine

ever since i left poly, we have never met up once at all.

i feel like talking and asking you all out, but somehow, something is pulling me back.

it's me again, i know.

i'm sorry about it, and i know, we can never go out together again.

just that, i do think about the past. that's all.

sorry to all.

Valentine.

A person singled out especially as one's sweetheart.

it's Valentine's day as well as first day of Chinese New Year.

lots of couple missed celebrating Valentine together.

not some sweet romantic whole day date with their partners.

but probably, some boring visiting to relative's who don't even bother much.

well, Valentine's day don't have to be celebrated with your another half.

it can also be celebrated with your family or friends.

but this year, i doubt there's any choice for most people.

good or bad?

actually, i don't really bother about Valentine or Chinese New Year.

both doesn't really matters to me, it's just another day.

why people wanna make such a big fuss about it?

if you're really in love, everyday should be Valentine.

why must everybody show most love on Valentine?

kind of pointless isn't it?

but yes, maybe it's a day that makes people remember to show more love.

i don't have a valentine, i admit.

i don't need one either.

yes, i might envy people who have a sweet Valentine with their partners.

yet, i guess i'm happier this way.

no flowers, no presents, no surprises, no sweet romance.

well, go ahead and laugh at me but i feel fine without those.

they are just additional stuff to make one happy.

i might sound like self-consoling, but i really feel it that way.

i do wish i get some of those, but it's not a need or must.

Chinese New Year isn't a festive that i look forward too.

people may love it cause of the "bonus" amount they can get from it.

yes, i may like it too.

but yet, hell no.

with the amount of sarcasm i received from them,

comparing to the amount they give,

it's really damn pathetic and not worth.

and i really don't like my relatives.

they maybe part of my family,

but to me, they are familiar strangers.

they won't appreciate anything.

worst is that, they are really pinching in money matters.

that's not even the actual main matter,

it's the way they look and treat you.

it's not something that's pleasant.

i rather they don't exist at all, or i don't have to visit them cause of this tradition.

i pity my mum for being the youngest in her family.

she's like limping her way from house to house.

wasting unnecessary cab fares and time.

what's the actual use of it?

LIFE.

Never in Family.

as i have expected, silence is just a pause.

everything turned heated up once again.

and this time, no tolerance is available.

in the middle of the night.

sometimes, i really hate my dad.

i know i shouldn't be, but i can't help it.

he does not even work to support the family,

all he do is smoke and sleep.

when he's not happy with who-knows-what,

he will just roar into anger with vulgarities.

and give those killer look till every heat in him is gone.

he got a serious emotional un-stability.

my mother, no i don't hate her.

sometimes i'm just too pissed off to do anything.

but if things happen, i'll sure jump to her to keep her safe.

she need more protection than i do.

yes, she's a drama-mama at times.

trying to gain as much attention as she wants.

and it's really irritating and annoying.

but i still love her.

sometimes i really wish my mother would have follow the decision and abort me.

least, this will ease the financial burden by some extent and less suffering.

i don't feel happy in this family at all.

it's like a wrong choice.

i seriously think that,

my family will do real good without the presence of my dad.

he should return to the cell, and never release.

he should be kept behind those bars.

and yet,

i'm helpless, i can't do anything.

fuck and die.

B.O.R.E.D

if you can read my mind now,

all you can read is BORED.

somehow, i've really have nothing to do or maybe no mood to do anything.

this week is gonna be a really hectic week for me.

2 birthdays to handle and it's chinese new year.

birthdays are good but not chinese new year.

seriously vexed over my financial status.

it's not going up but straight down.

worst of all, i have not find a job yet.

and the celebrations means more spending.

my birthday trip is another issue.

i can't seem to have that enough money to travel.

but i really wanna go somewhere alone.

please rain me some money.

let everything be good.

boredom, get lost.

Normality?

just like every other usual day.

woke up with sun shining.

it's blue with clouds yet again.

nothing seem to roaring up,

nothing seem to be in danger zone.

talks were normal, without a tint of heat.

are things going back to norm?

or are they just taking a break from everything?

feeling unsafe, feeling disturb.

at least i know, i still don't feel fine.

a need in some help, who to call?

i need some great day out, it have been a long time.

i miss my friends, past tense.

i miss my family, past tense.

i miss my environment, past tense.

i miss my life, past tense.

i miss me, past tense.

Family.

awoke, screamed and cried.

awoke by the screaming and noises outside my room.

screamed in agony and hoping for help.

cried in despair and throbbing pain.

"why am i born into this family living in this kind of drama?"

can never learn how to bear with all these drama.

it's a scene that nobody will wanna be.

i hate it, i hate my family, i hate being helpless.

nobody will understand.

everything is nearing, light seem to be lost.

shadow casted, tears are flowing.

screaming helplessly, silence are heard.

nightmare formed, haunting forever.

i don't wish to be here anymore.

take me away.

Sinner.




Forever i am, a sinner.
no matter how much effort and thoughts,
i'm still a sinner, a blame for everything.

sick and tired of it, no use for anything.
misunderstood and accusation,
blames and faults.
they seem to be my best friend, that i can never get rid of.

trust me, i really tried and control.
putting in whatever i can, useless.
i need a break, understanding.
but no, there isn't.

i'm a sinner, put all the blame on me.
i'm a sinner, who nobody will ever understand.
i'm a sinner, who is never right in any ways.
i'm a sinner, that have sentenced death.

just a sinner.

Traffic Light.

tell me when to go, tell me when to stop.

i need a sign, completely lost.

tears seem to be free, streaming down now and then.

i'm lost, lost myself.

no helping hand could help, everything seem to be lost in control.

tell me, how, what should be done.

i've bear everything too long, it's too heavy.

no longer bearable.

like a crashing car, unable to stop.

once again, bout to crash.

a matter of time.

Insomnia.

tossing around, unable to drift away to a land of deniance.

feeling tired, yet images keep haunting me.

tried to shake it away, but yet, too persistent.

feel the agony where tears stream,

those painful sorrows, left imprint in me.

what am i suppose to do, how am i to get rid of them?

i need a moment of slience.

mute the surroundings, let it be ever so soundless.

stop the replaying memories, they are not of importances anymore.

get me back, back to where i have to be.

Deceiving.

how many times you turned you back and lied to you love ones?

how many times have you forced yourself to say those mean things?

how many times have you cried after those scenes?

how many times you hurt yourself with all those lies?

you can deceive the whole world, yet not yourself.

you can put a smile at the end of the lie, but not on the soring heart.

you can pretend you're alright, when you know deep down, you're not.

you can not know anything, but your heart does.

i hate lies, yet i can't help it.

i say mean things at times, but i don't feel good either.

i miss you people, those who i once hurt.

i need you here, but it's too late.

i'm remorseful, seriously.

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