Born to be a Fool.

perhaps, my biggest regret is that i'm surviving for so long.

i should have been dead long ago, i should have.

guess, i'll be happier that way.

i waited, and waited.

yet, you ignored my presence, you ignored my emotions.

you simply ignored everything.

my stand is no longer the same.

i treated you my best, you treated me as fool, a stranger.

ask yourself, how i treated you and how you have treated me all these while.

you have your ongoing stuff, i don't blame.

but i too have my ongoing stuff, and will still take the effort to reply.

yet, you simply ignore.

don't tell me another word of yours.

your words, i can no longer believe in.

you're not there when i needed.

when you're in need, i offered to be there, yet you always reject.

you tell me what should i do, what can i do?

i lied to you i admit, you always upset me when you turned me down.

you upset me, made me pissed.

but what else can i do or say?

lies, this is to lessen the guilt that you may have.

i never will want you to feel bad about anything.

cause, you're a great friend to me, somehow.

yet, you repeat these acts so easily.

leaving me there hanging.

words, they are just plain lies.

sincerity should be showed through actions, not words.

words are cheap, actions are priceless.

but what action did i get?

don't treat me as a fool, i beg.

not this way, i won't be able to take it any longer.

i'm on the verge on giving up.

giving up on everything.

i hate myself, to be so forgiving, to be soft hearted.

never will i want to be treated in this manner, but why?

sometimes, i really do wish to be treated better.

someone to treat me really as a friend, selfless towards me.

there isn't any at all.

'fuck and die' maybe the just the perfect phrase for everything happening recently.

if only you could,

look into my eyes, connect to my heart.

a need to know, a need to let go.

a touch of sincerity, bring in great miles.

you have to know, yet unknowingly.

how to express, how to make it known.

different words, nothing escape.

plain stupid, an act put on.

what's the point, tears shed.

just one small touch, ownership belongs.

those thoughts, no one can read.

expose it, a need to understand the deepest mind.

a depth of heart, a depth of love.

Goodbye.

you all were once my playmates.

you all were there during those lifeless countdown.

you all were once the people that i see most during a week.

you all were been missed when i stopped everything and left.

but after yesterday, i felt that everything seem to be so pointless now.

i missed you all so much, but now i felt like a total stranger.

slience is all i can hear, not a word spoken.

what happened?

it's time to move on, Jacq.

you will find better people in a new place, new environment.

you shouldn't have even turn up or miss them at all.

you shouldn't have, that chapter have ended.

thanks for everything, the memories, the joy, the fun.

i should put a stop here now.

you guys were great.

no more dwelling over it.

Breaking in Fear.

frequent nightmares, broke up in sweat.

continuously haunting me, making me fear.

unable to move on, unable to let go.

i can't handle myself anymore.

you're so dear to me, yet there's too much common.

i'm afraid, imperfection.

a wrong word, a wrong act

misunderstanding might just occur.

tell me what to do, tell me how.

maybe i should just stop, no wrong should go further.

a stop to all these, not to cheapen myself further either.

nothing should proceed further than norm.

a lesson to be learnt, yet i didn't.

an err to prevent, yet its repeating.

a threat that wasn't necessary, yet thanks to foolishness.

constantly making sin, i'm a sinner.

tell me what should be done?

Mistakes to be lived with.

Cause nobody wants to be the last one there.

Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares.
Someone to love with my life in their hands.
There`s gotta be somebody for me like that.

Cause nobody wants to do it on their own
And everyone wants to know they´re not alone.
There's somebody else that feels the same somewhere.
There`s gotta be somebody for me out there.

i'm really sorry for all the silly things i've done.

was looking through those photos taken back then.

and now then did i realised, i'm missing them.

not just friends alone, it's the moment spent.

i know things will not change to the way it used to be

but least, i really wish that everything could be slightly similar.

blame me for not having the courage to speak up and apologize.

blame me for being so reckless and ignorance.

Clique 8

we were never that close as in a whole.

maybe we were close to certain individuals.

at least, you all are a group that's around me for the entire secondary school times.

created lots of emotions in me and let me understand.

you all weren't exactly there, maybe a certain few.

i'm too different from all of you, i knew it all along.

but i tried my best to accommodate, all unnecessary.

yet, i still miss those times in secondary school with you all.

crazy soccer session with all the crazy screaming,

lunch times together, neoprint sessions in town,

chilling out sessions in school and outside school.

awful quarrels, painful tears, lifetime suicide,

unimportant birthday celebration of mine,

ignorance to my feelings, mask that i wore all the times.

this is really how i felt, you all never knew.

you all are already a part of my past.

i do miss you all at times, but i know, i know.

blame it all on me.

Karen

you're my twins, we had same birthday and everything common.

i enjoyed all my times with you, i love you like my real sister.

i'm willing to just be there without anything in return.

my closest friend since primary school.

i'm bad at times, we do clashed at times due to our similar, hot temper.

i'm envy of you all times, you're someone that i do look up to.

you're a big sister who look out to me.

i'm grateful for it.

but everything keeps going up and down.

our friendship is just like a roller coaster ride.

i do treasure the times.

though we're not contacting anymore,

but whenever i pass by your place or area,

i would have the strong urge to give you a message or call.

yet i do not have the courage to send you that simple message.

i don't know what happened between us,

yet we just stopped contacting.

i heard words, and i'm upset.

but i still want you as my friend.

i do hope everything is good for you.

PJ, HK, YL.

simple people bring simple actions to make you day.

thanks for accepting me for who am i and all the simple times.

movies, chill out at mac, and cold jokes.

you're so much missed by me.

although it have been a really long time since we last met as a whole,

but i'll never forget you all and you're constantly on my mind.

seriously, i do wish we will meet up really soon.

just a simple dinner, simple chit chat session will do.

i really do miss those times in secondary school.

where we can meet anytime and go out after school.

it seems so tough nowadays with our different commitments.

and our timing always seem to clash.

you're missed.

Karen and Jasmine

ever since i left poly, we have never met up once at all.

i feel like talking and asking you all out, but somehow, something is pulling me back.

it's me again, i know.

i'm sorry about it, and i know, we can never go out together again.

just that, i do think about the past. that's all.

sorry to all.

Valentine.

A person singled out especially as one's sweetheart.

it's Valentine's day as well as first day of Chinese New Year.

lots of couple missed celebrating Valentine together.

not some sweet romantic whole day date with their partners.

but probably, some boring visiting to relative's who don't even bother much.

well, Valentine's day don't have to be celebrated with your another half.

it can also be celebrated with your family or friends.

but this year, i doubt there's any choice for most people.

good or bad?

actually, i don't really bother about Valentine or Chinese New Year.

both doesn't really matters to me, it's just another day.

why people wanna make such a big fuss about it?

if you're really in love, everyday should be Valentine.

why must everybody show most love on Valentine?

kind of pointless isn't it?

but yes, maybe it's a day that makes people remember to show more love.

i don't have a valentine, i admit.

i don't need one either.

yes, i might envy people who have a sweet Valentine with their partners.

yet, i guess i'm happier this way.

no flowers, no presents, no surprises, no sweet romance.

well, go ahead and laugh at me but i feel fine without those.

they are just additional stuff to make one happy.

i might sound like self-consoling, but i really feel it that way.

i do wish i get some of those, but it's not a need or must.

Chinese New Year isn't a festive that i look forward too.

people may love it cause of the "bonus" amount they can get from it.

yes, i may like it too.

but yet, hell no.

with the amount of sarcasm i received from them,

comparing to the amount they give,

it's really damn pathetic and not worth.

and i really don't like my relatives.

they maybe part of my family,

but to me, they are familiar strangers.

they won't appreciate anything.

worst is that, they are really pinching in money matters.

that's not even the actual main matter,

it's the way they look and treat you.

it's not something that's pleasant.

i rather they don't exist at all, or i don't have to visit them cause of this tradition.

i pity my mum for being the youngest in her family.

she's like limping her way from house to house.

wasting unnecessary cab fares and time.

what's the actual use of it?

LIFE.

Never in Family.

as i have expected, silence is just a pause.

everything turned heated up once again.

and this time, no tolerance is available.

in the middle of the night.

sometimes, i really hate my dad.

i know i shouldn't be, but i can't help it.

he does not even work to support the family,

all he do is smoke and sleep.

when he's not happy with who-knows-what,

he will just roar into anger with vulgarities.

and give those killer look till every heat in him is gone.

he got a serious emotional un-stability.

my mother, no i don't hate her.

sometimes i'm just too pissed off to do anything.

but if things happen, i'll sure jump to her to keep her safe.

she need more protection than i do.

yes, she's a drama-mama at times.

trying to gain as much attention as she wants.

and it's really irritating and annoying.

but i still love her.

sometimes i really wish my mother would have follow the decision and abort me.

least, this will ease the financial burden by some extent and less suffering.

i don't feel happy in this family at all.

it's like a wrong choice.

i seriously think that,

my family will do real good without the presence of my dad.

he should return to the cell, and never release.

he should be kept behind those bars.

and yet,

i'm helpless, i can't do anything.

fuck and die.

B.O.R.E.D

if you can read my mind now,

all you can read is BORED.

somehow, i've really have nothing to do or maybe no mood to do anything.

this week is gonna be a really hectic week for me.

2 birthdays to handle and it's chinese new year.

birthdays are good but not chinese new year.

seriously vexed over my financial status.

it's not going up but straight down.

worst of all, i have not find a job yet.

and the celebrations means more spending.

my birthday trip is another issue.

i can't seem to have that enough money to travel.

but i really wanna go somewhere alone.

please rain me some money.

let everything be good.

boredom, get lost.

Normality?

just like every other usual day.

woke up with sun shining.

it's blue with clouds yet again.

nothing seem to roaring up,

nothing seem to be in danger zone.

talks were normal, without a tint of heat.

are things going back to norm?

or are they just taking a break from everything?

feeling unsafe, feeling disturb.

at least i know, i still don't feel fine.

a need in some help, who to call?

i need some great day out, it have been a long time.

i miss my friends, past tense.

i miss my family, past tense.

i miss my environment, past tense.

i miss my life, past tense.

i miss me, past tense.

Family.

awoke, screamed and cried.

awoke by the screaming and noises outside my room.

screamed in agony and hoping for help.

cried in despair and throbbing pain.

"why am i born into this family living in this kind of drama?"

can never learn how to bear with all these drama.

it's a scene that nobody will wanna be.

i hate it, i hate my family, i hate being helpless.

nobody will understand.

everything is nearing, light seem to be lost.

shadow casted, tears are flowing.

screaming helplessly, silence are heard.

nightmare formed, haunting forever.

i don't wish to be here anymore.

take me away.

Sinner.




Forever i am, a sinner.
no matter how much effort and thoughts,
i'm still a sinner, a blame for everything.

sick and tired of it, no use for anything.
misunderstood and accusation,
blames and faults.
they seem to be my best friend, that i can never get rid of.

trust me, i really tried and control.
putting in whatever i can, useless.
i need a break, understanding.
but no, there isn't.

i'm a sinner, put all the blame on me.
i'm a sinner, who nobody will ever understand.
i'm a sinner, who is never right in any ways.
i'm a sinner, that have sentenced death.

just a sinner.

Traffic Light.

tell me when to go, tell me when to stop.

i need a sign, completely lost.

tears seem to be free, streaming down now and then.

i'm lost, lost myself.

no helping hand could help, everything seem to be lost in control.

tell me, how, what should be done.

i've bear everything too long, it's too heavy.

no longer bearable.

like a crashing car, unable to stop.

once again, bout to crash.

a matter of time.

Insomnia.

tossing around, unable to drift away to a land of deniance.

feeling tired, yet images keep haunting me.

tried to shake it away, but yet, too persistent.

feel the agony where tears stream,

those painful sorrows, left imprint in me.

what am i suppose to do, how am i to get rid of them?

i need a moment of slience.

mute the surroundings, let it be ever so soundless.

stop the replaying memories, they are not of importances anymore.

get me back, back to where i have to be.

Deceiving.

how many times you turned you back and lied to you love ones?

how many times have you forced yourself to say those mean things?

how many times have you cried after those scenes?

how many times you hurt yourself with all those lies?

you can deceive the whole world, yet not yourself.

you can put a smile at the end of the lie, but not on the soring heart.

you can pretend you're alright, when you know deep down, you're not.

you can not know anything, but your heart does.

i hate lies, yet i can't help it.

i say mean things at times, but i don't feel good either.

i miss you people, those who i once hurt.

i need you here, but it's too late.

i'm remorseful, seriously.

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