The Envy and Jealous.

Christmas wasn't great this year.

to be truthful, it really sucks to the max of all.

it's like, there's no celebration for me, no present.

well, all thanks to work i suppose.

i missed out all the great fun.

PS : i stood at my counter like a retarded idiot on the eve and actual day.

there's no turkey, ham, sumptuous feast or anything.

not even a slice of log cake.

tell me, how good can this Christmas be for me?

work is getting a bore nowadays.

people say, working in a club is so cool and happening.

can i reject this thought of yours?

it's really one of the not so happening and boring job.

or maybe it's my department, cashier.

today is awfully bad.

not that i stood there like an retard idiot again,

but today was a total mess.

crowds flow in like tsunami.

non stop bills flow with piling bills that doesn't seem to stop growing.

noises, shouting and irritating customer orders.

giving terrible headaches and annoyed responds.

sorry that i've created a mess out of those bills.

i don't know why am i that blur, but i really didn't mean it.

perhaps, i shouldn't be placed there in the first place.

damn.

Without a word, Silence.

i constantly have to remind myself to runaway and hide.

neither do i want to be in this state, nor all the pretendency.

it's not something easy to get it over with or with a simple phrase of "fuck and die"

i do not exactly understand myself fully.

what's exactly am i thinking about all these while?

come and go, it's just a game.

no doubt.

i don't have to suffer, but why am i?

Everything with a taste.

have you ever wonder,

"what the hell am i doing all these for?"

i guess it's a common questions that we asked ourselves.

mostly when we did something we regret.

but, this question brings on reflection.

somehow, i love this question.

A Toy, I'm Not.

don't tell me you did not send those messages.

don't blame it on anybody else.

i don't know what you're up to, but i'm not a toy.

not a toy that when you wanna play, you play.

if not, you just chuck it aside and kick it with all force.

i'm really tired of all these.

moreover, you're nothing to me.

perhaps, just a friend.

what you left with me is nightmare of the only night.

i tried to forget and still treated you as my friend.

guess i'm too silly, cause i'm just a dirt.

i hate it.

please be gone and not haunt me like that.

i don't need you, or anyone like you.

A Relieve of Heart.

it's so nice to have someone really there to listen.

someone who really understand.

she knows everything.

though, we don't really meet that often.

maybe once or twice a month.

but she knows everything, and not forgetting much about it.

i know i can always tell her everything, she don't judge me.

thanks for being there.

i start to daze off every now and then.

drifting into the thoughts of losing.

it's an unknowingly thing.

i can feel my heart aching every now and then.

reasons unclear, yet it seems like my mind knows it all without my acknowledging it.

it seems like i'm separated in within.

moodless and numb,

there's nothing much more to say.

i'm tired.

Ugly Confession.

yes, i've got a confession to made.

i guess i shouldn't hide or keep it anymore.

it's already semi expose, i'll just admit it once and for all.

firstly, there's no more first for me.

at the age of 17, nearing 18, it was gone for good.

no, i don't regret it.

secondly, i like a guy in the past.

i trusted him so much, giving him everything he wanted no matter what.

yes, it's included.

i know there will be no ending, i'm just hoping like some silly bitch.

1 year 5 months.

thirdly, a friend i barely know.

forced himself of me, even though i beg him to stop.

i didn't report to the police, i don't want things to turn ugly or anything.

hoping it will fade away, i treated him, still, as a friend.

forth, someone for money sake.

he's really nice, and willing to help when i was so in need of cash.

thanks for it, he's still a friend to me.

it only happened once.

i said all these out, not because i'm trying to gain anything out of it.

but it's to make me feel better and i think i should confess it myself and not through someone else's mouth.

yes, recently, the guy who i used to like so much, someone who i trusted so much, hurt me like mad tard.

he almost killed me in that way.

yes, i hate him for doing so.

but guess it slapped me hard on my face.

i should wake up from all these.

and stop it, what good it does?

almost nothing.

i was once silly, and i shouldn't let it continue.

nightmares cause of all these are not worth.

i have to put a stop.