how much memories are been gained in every step of life?
how much of these memories are being recalled when looking through?
did those memories bring back wants, silly laughters, regrets and tears to you?
but mine did.

why do these memories bring tears and regrets to me?
making me regret of not holding it tight and hold on.
making those eyes teary yet holding back.
i guess, it's something that i just couldn't control.

if i could get back to the past, will i have made that very decision?
but, i can't even get back to the past.
so why should i have regrets and think about those "if"?
there's nothing much to be done actually.

looking back at those old pictures, memories are being brought.
we may cry, laugh, regret and wanting for more.
but what else can be done?
nothing.

i do treasure those memories.
i seriously do.
i'm sorry for not holding on and giving in.
i should have do my part.

looks of a person keep changing constantly.
you may remember his/her face.
but you may not be able to recognise him/her 10years down the road.

it's amazing how the hair and browns can affect how someone look like.
a new hair cut, the person may look much prettier or uglier.
most people use their fringe to beautify their appearance.
browns, just a little shaping and trim is needed.
neater, fiercer, smarter and etc, is all affected by the browns.
a person, maybe be pretty/ugly now, but you won't know how he/she maybe change a few years down the road.

like me, i've becoming ugly to uglier.
in secondary school years, my image is much better than now
now, i'm just like a piece of trash that nobody really bothers.
no matter what i do, it's still the same.
just getting worst everyday.
how sad.

to alot of people out there, in this world,
appearance and image are really important.
in my belief, most people go for looks before character.
no deny, i sometimes do that too.
but to me, character will win the appearance.
i wouldn't mind having an ugly boyfriend with the "clicking" character.

everybody have their own standard and taste.
yup, we should not criticise anybody's partner.
something in them, have attracted both of them to be together.
in relationship, there's no right or wrong.
just acceptance is more than enough.

love is blind and a complex thing.

Basic Theory Test is tomorrow.
it's like finally after so long.
pray that i pass it well.

i got a little emo just now.
reflecting about last year.
comparing it to this year.
it's really different now.
people change, things are lost.

i ponder why it have to be.
i wonder what is going on.
an answer is need and yet to be answered.
what's really going on in here?

when time is gone, one regret.
unable to hold on tight and make use well.
making a wrong move, causing all to be lost.
apologise is never enough.
but what more could be done?

the misses are not touch.
the tears are not be seen.
the cries are not heard.
one is left alone, no one bothers.

what's the heaven up to?
causing all these pains and regrets.
what's the mighty lord playing with?
causing all the losses and tears.
nobody is certain.



KAREN TAN SIEW LEE

fear not, i'll be there to hold you tight.
you're a great friend that i will never wanna lose.
thanks for being there even if i kept it all to myself.
having you just right by me, is more than i can ask for.
no words might be exchanged, but presence are enough.

i'm sorry that i might be in a lost to help you at times.
but believe me, i'll never want to do that on purpose.
i'm just thinking of the best way to reduce the pain.
i'll catch your fall, be there anytime just for you.

you're a great friend, a great girl.
it's other people lost to lose you.
you're the best girl.
loves, baby.

my 2 days old piercing.
it's swollen to a thickeness about 2cm.
it's common, no worries.

today is a sleepy day.
i'm tired.
school tomorrow.
i hate it.

i've finally get my tongue piercing.
i wasn't painful at all.
just numb.

but aftermath, pain began when i move my tongue around.
i can't talk and eat properly.
actually, i can't eat.
but lucky i'm not hungry.
i've never knew eating and drinking could be so difficult

this piercing, marked a new meaning in me.
i hope, i pray, i wish.
maybe it will come true.

oh well.

well, petty guys are much more petty than i thought.

the night medication cause super drowsiness.
even after a night rest.
but i did not have a good sleep.

my body is getting weaker.
getting sick frequently nowadays.
am i thinking too much or what?
love sick? HA, hell no.
but i do miss someone.

on a side note :

fairytales are so unreal.
reality seem to be unreachable.
what's else more can i take?
it's nothing, they will fade.
this what i hope for one day.
not now, but later on.

oh well, medication is taking effect.
guess i'm piercing my tongue tomorrow.
pray hard for me.
:)

guys, especially that dude, are getting more and more petty.
they are far more worst then girls.
i really don't understand.

i've already apologise for walking off.
not that i'm angry and walk away.
i just need to cool down.
and you just spam me with my attitude.
and just keep saying and saying.
don't you understand what's "sorry"?
you too have wrong.
and you only pinpoint me.

what the fuck dude.
slap yaself awake.

boy, i miss you like fucking much.
just can't stop thinking.

well, have added a new beautiful melody to my blog.

it brought me tears and some painful memories.
making me regretting more.
but i won't regret who i've loved.

there's no doubt that i make silly mistake.
but what done is done.
i either choose to regret or treat it as a lesson.
maybe, i should not regret.

i feel like tearing now.
i miss the old me, i miss my friends, i miss him.
i miss those times when everything was in place.
now everything seem to be falling apart.
yet i can't do anything.
i'm plain useless.

g, you know how i feel.
yet you can't forget the past.
it's time to move on.
i'll wait.

tell me please, who am i to you?
who am i to me is no longer important.
but who am i to you is a meaning.
i long for the chats we used to have.

if that's a mistake, i shouldn't have made.
i should have know myself well.
tell me what else can i do to make up for it?
i'm sorry.

seem like we are crashing in all ways.
what you want, isn't what i expect.
what i want, is not what you want.
we have different think, different mind.
maybe this was the reason that we have been searching for ages.
the difference in us that didn't made us together.

you might not have realise this.
but it's surfacing to reality.
maybe, after tomorrow, we will know what we want.
we ain't make for each other in all sense.
it's sad to say, but guess we're just friends in all.
there's no further explanation needed.

today i've finally realised.
i'm not a happy girl no matter how hard i tried.
maybe just for a moment, but not for long.
i don't know what wrong with me,

today i've the huge urge to dash through the busy road.
seem like a perfect way of ending this torture.
the picture of ending it seem wonderful.
my life, it's just another dreadful mistake.

my mum, should have abort me in the first place.
so there wouldn't be so much suffering in me.
no, i don't blame her for the decision she made.
but, it's just one silly mistake she have made.
if time were to return to that point, what the decision will be?

in this past 18 years, i believe there's lots of regrets.
one who is truely happy, should have no regrets.
but why am i full of it?
i seem to be so different from others.
pictures with me in it, are not perfect.
i'm sorry for making it so.
i've got no control.

i somehow pray that, tomorrow the scan will be a negative one.
it will create my very first step towards death.
i pray hard for it.

i feel that, someone out there somewhere, trying to copy me.
the way i take photo, what i do.
this is utterly disgusting.
i hope you know who you are.
i shall not name the exact.
i might be wrong, who knows.

this make me cried.

to that someone :

don't make use of the situation to get close.
it won't help.
stop poking ya nose into other people's business.
don't try to be a "nice" guy who make things "better"
you're such a hypocrite.

ya, i know you might not read this.
but if you do, you're being warned.

i must have been a fool somehow.
i don't know what to do.

people are asking, yet i can give no answer.
i'm not that smart or alert.
i'm tired and sick of it.

should i wait or shouldn't i?

if everything were to start over again, let it be good.
i don't wanna lose anything again.
don't leave me lost here.

tongue piercing, i'm coming. :D

after 6months, i'm still getting yaya over that one.
haha!
even karen also -.- me.

anyway, i'm so tempted to get a tongue peircing.
i doesn't really look that painful to me.
well, but i sure will be scare at that point of time.
so, i'm looking for a companion.
:D

i told baby that, if she get her tattoo, i'll go get the peircing.
thinking so she will not get her tattoo cause she don't want me go for the peircing.
BUT!, that idiot, still wanna get her tattoo.
so high chances i'm gonna get my peircing done with her tattoo.
quite excited about it.
:D

all of the sudden, i feel satisfied.
satisfied what i gain in the PC show.
nope, i've not been working there these 2 days.
but thinking back about it, i enjoyed myself.
not to the maximum, but a satisfactory level.
i shan't be greedy.
:)

why is the feeling just not right?
i simply don't get it.
getting worst.

have been working at the PC show last 2 days.
yea, i saw him.
it's like i'm so near to him, but yet the feeling is never near.

i wonder why, everything is amiss.
the eyes of mine, only have him in sight.
the mind of mine, can only have him all while.
i'm foolish, it's impossible yet i can't help it.

i'm a fool for those who know what have happen.
but that's the only way that i can be there.
you all try to stop, but it's not gonna work.

i can't stop thinking no matter how tired am i.

familar places.

tell me, what can i do?
what can i do to improve the situation?
what can i do to cover those tears?
what can be done to lessen those pain?
how can i stop thinking about the past?

i'm feeling a total lost.
i'm useless that i can't do anything much.

i can't help her lessen those pain.
i can't make her feel better.
i can't move away from the past.
i can only see my family breaking apart.
i can only see all my friends turn their back on me.
i can only let those tears roll off my cheeks.

who can i talk to?
who can i pray to?
who can i lean on?
who can i fall on?
who can help me?

sigh.

"I'm ugly"
this is what i always say to myself.
you may say i'm not, but i can't deny the fact.

i'm ugly no matter what view, inside or outside.
not only my looks, but my character, personality isn't great too.
i being to wonder aimlessly.
i can't seem to understand myself anymore.

who am i, i wonder.
the image of myself is really getting blur.
the real of me, is no longer around.
an act is put on, just to please people.

crying myself to sleep is getting more often.
it's not a want, but an action that i couldn't control.

i don't wanna be here.

about 6 hours of workout.
total shiokness and cuiness.
overall it's good, i like.

i need more workout!
muscle are needed!
FATS shooooo!
:D

i'm terrible for the past few days.
i'm sorry for those people who i've fuck.
seriously, sorry.

i intend to hit the fitness.
lose some weights and tone up my body.

FATS my enemy!
back to my diet.
yucks.

what is said and told, might not be heard by anyone.
what's the point of me telling when everything is just referred?
maybe, self-feelings are more important than others.
but i think otherwise.
i must be foolish.

and when i finally stand up for myself, everybody will just put blames.
what is this may i know?
i'm really sick and tired of all these.
i don't know what to be or what to do.
i'm really tired, this is what i meant.
you don't get it.

i'm have low self-confidence, i don't deny.
we're different in that sense.
how you want me to put it.
i'm ugly, i'm big size, fat and sucks.
don't deny it for me cause it's the fact.
don't make me feel better, cause i'm feeling worst.

you have almost everything you want.
but i'm losing every single thing.
i don't know why, perhaps, i'm just a loser.
which i gradually accepting.

there's really nothing much for me to say and explain.
i'm really tired of everything.
i keep thinking of what happened.
it really making me ending my life real soon.
i don't like it, who really do?
what's my purpose of living now?
i'm losing it.

i'm not part of it or anything anymore.
i'm just by myself real soon.
living it dead soon.