Silence.




There's not a need for word.

or even a sound.

turn me deaf in the emptiness i felt.

soundless memories being played,

staring aimlessly at the screen.

never ending, not a change.

bring me away,

write me a new chapter.

give me the sound that i long to hear.

return hopes into me.

where are you, past tense?

Pathetic.

Friend :

i'm not a good friend that someone will wanna have.

i'm not a good friend that everybody love.

i'm not a good friend that is good enough to be a friend of theirs.

i'm not a good friend that could be just like a superman.

in fact i'm a just a pathetic soul that nobody will wanna have as a friend.

Boyfriend :

i'm not a good girlfriend that could be there for boyfriend 24/7.

i'm not a good girlfriend that will rather accompany my boyfriend to my girlfriends.

i'm not a good girlfriend that will treasure and cherish a boyfriend.

i'm not a good girlfriend that anybody will love to have or even love.

in fact, i'm just a pathetic soul that no boyfriend will wanna have as a girlfriend.

Family :

i'm not a good sister or daughter that you will wanna have around in the house.

i'm not a good sister or daughter that will listen to every single word you say.

i'm not a good sister or daughter that will help out and do house work.

i'm not a good sister or daughter that will keep her stuff neat and tidy.

in fact, i'm just a pathetic soul that no family would want to have given birth to.

all in all, i'm just a pathetic soul around.

fuck and die

Night falls with a hint of unluckiness.

today was a not that good day.

in fact, really tiring and shagging for me.

i'm like dozing while typing this post.

woke up around 7am.

not my body, but by the babies and my annoying family.

seriously, i hate it when people disturb my sleep.

it's like, my body doesn't wants to wake up yet i have to wake up.

fuck it.

went amk hub to get groceries and buy my paint.

i was totally shagged after the trip.

was like falling asleep in the car.

painted my room with half-open eyes.

yes, i painted my room all by myself today.

no help was available for me today.

lucky, i managed to do it well today.

everything went smoothly.

no more words and much uneven painting.

collected and settle zouk stuff today.

like finally, and it's like fuck it, i hate that bamboo.

such a hypocrite.

anyway, almost got myself into trouble just now.

and really almost landed myself into the police station.

not that i got into a fight or something.

it's complicated.

intended to drop by wavehouse,

but ended up chilling at cafe del mar, love it.

had a long walk out of sentosa.

and supper-ed with eric.

:)

A sense of wrong.

firstly, today morning was an ultra bad morning.

it look as if it's going to be raining when i wake up for school.

yes, i should not have class today.

oh well~

anyway, woke up with both eyes swollen and a bad flu.

i could barely even open my eyes.

it's really so torturing.

it's like, my vision was totally cut into half.

secondly, there was a super bad jam on road.

and it was really raining like cats and dogs by the time i got to sim bus stop.

it's like totally freezing cold, i was practically shaking.

anyway, sim namly students are really pathetic.

once it rain, sim namly students are like trapped mice at the bus stop.

well, and it's really a school for the rich.

they will just take a cab into the school.

okay, it's not expensive and maybe there's no other choice.

but still, HAHAHHAHAHA!

thirdly, paint ran out leaving almost only half of my room painted only.

yes, and i've gotta go get a new tin of paint tomorrow and paint again.

how annoying, no help tomorrow.

forthly, which is happening now.

my eyes are swollen again!

yes, and guess i'll drop to the polyclinic to check it.

it's really irritating me.

guess this year, i'm still as unlucky.

:(

Excitement with a mix of Confusion.

as most of you all already know,

SERANGOON IS GOING TO HAVE IT'S OWN SHOPPING MALL THIS YEAR!

NEX!

and i'm really excited over it!

it's like, i can just shop there, maybe subway too.

HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHHE!

just read an article about it,

and dang, excitement max!

but i think i'm crazy.

it won't be open till months later.

BUT SOON, FAST PLEASE!

Stop the beat.

should i or should i not?

it's wednesday, the booze and music are tempting me.

and my friend that i want to catch up with asked me to go.

thanks hur.

school on thursday is a killer!

i'll go school tomorrow!

PS : I LOVE MY BED!

Aching to the heart.

poor little baby girl,

down with a fever this afternoon.

though it have subsides,

it still bring pain to see her in a grumpy mood.

puking, no appetite and grouchiness.

she's in bed now.

be well tomorrow!

library time.

Staring into blank, empty.

every time i wanted to blog something in this space,

every time i got into the space for me to rant,

i totally can't think of what to blog about.

am i suffering severe amnesia?

seriously.

Endless memories.

I thought everything was over,

but i'm just deceiving myself from everything.

you never left, not physically, but in my memories.

passed by the places we used to meet, a long walk before you enter.

remembering everything you did back then.

meaning little to you, yet it was unforgettable moments that i had with you.

thanks so much.

though i'm really upset by your doing,

and yes, everything was stained with a tint of hatred.

but still, you were a long chapter in my life.

i appreciate all of them.

Goodbye.

When things go wrong.

today is extremely bad.

first, i was almost late for school.

and when i reached school, i'm so exhausted that i dozed off.

this is bad. it's only the second week of school

secondly, i was being really bad that i left my friends to accompany my another friend.

hell yes, i feel damn guilty.

sorry karmen, serene and jayius.

my bad, my fault, i'm sucha bitch.

thirdly, i almost died, seriously.

i almost had an asthma attack out of the blue.

breathless, head numbness and fainting spell.

well, i've to thanks that smoke machine, it's the main cause.

and my friend almost called the ambulance.

forth, fuck and die.

i've lost my phone while getting too high on the dance floor.

jumping and craziness, cause my phone to kiss the floor and said byebye to me.

love it to the extreme, guess it's fated.

fifth, i almost got into a fight on the dance floor.

i was tolerant enough to endure all the painful elbowing and kicking.

and fuck it, enough is enough, so i dance my way with bigger actions.

yet, they still have the cheek to ask me, "enough already anot?!"

fuck you slut, big time.

sixth, i realised i'm super broke now.

and yes, i don't know why am i super broke now.

cause my fucking wallet only left with 10bucks.

hello bed, i'm staying with you till next week.

anyway, i'm super touchy and may burst anytime.

please beware of me today.

not in any good mood.

i'm easily agitated today.

fuck and die peeps.

And I'll never love again,

you came and go, i don't need you.

what you left is just throbbing pain.

it became a stain that remains forever.

causing a phobia that was constantly reminded.

i hate everything that was done.

though i don't regret, but there's just plain hatred.

no, i should be thankful to everything you have done.

you're like taught all the "should not, never not".

everything was just a waste, wasted.

Trap in Agony.

why do i keep reminiscing the past?

flashback and memories.

how do i clear them away and live afresh?

it's haunting me, badly.

i tried really hard not to think about it anymore.

but, i'll just wonder off slowly and back to that spot.

i should have moved on, i thought i did.

yet, recent happenings, brought them all back to me at one go.

stop it, i shouted at myself.

forget about it, it's already the past.

you're stronger now, you know it well.

but no, i just hid everything in the deepest corner.

not removed.

pretendence seem to be my forte now.

nobody ever know, nobody ever see.

every single soul, thought i'm just fine on my own.

no, i'm not alright, i'm not okay, i'm not fine.

i'm just another girl.

Put All The Blames On Me.

i was involved, yet i'm the last to know it all.

you pour stories on me behind my back, great one.

you were so much respected, you broke it.

i'm just a stone that you can't wait to kick it off the pavement.

i did nothing nothing that conceal my consciousness.

you push all the blames on me.

everybody thought everything is my fault now, the one to blame.

you gave me a good hard slap to my dignity, my pride.

thanks for the lies, thanks for the ruining of image.

now everybody think of me that way.

yes, even someone i really trusted.

you're always skeptic about me.

and everything i do is just so wrong.

if only you know, "what goes around, comes around".

one day, i'll make sure you are sorry for what you have done.

i'm just an unlucky one who have became the scapegoat for all mistake.

yes, just say all you want, i'll gladly welcome anything.

no point defending, no point explaining.

things get heat up and nasty.

i chose to walk away, taking faults that don't even belong to me.

and you accused me of being rude.

well, if you prefer it another way.

i would have already stay there and defend myself well, in a nasty way.

but i respected you, that's why i walked away.

and yet you think i'm rude to walk away and cool myself down.

alright, thanks then.

whatever you say, i know it well myself.

whatever people think, those who truly know me, they won't bother.

i can't be bothered about it any longer.

why make myself suffer all these when it's just small little crafty actions that you seek cheap thrills in?

definitely a joke.

fuck and die, you deserve it well.

Stop those Flashbacks.

do you know how it really irritate me?

every moment of the past, just came pouring down on me.

every ache i suffered, every pain and scar given.

nightmare that haunt me all night till i found myself so lost.

it's a reality, just too real, that was unbelievable.

it boils down to streaming tears in the heart, not the eyes.

crying for help, yet barely anyone heard it.

silly laughters that concealed the pain.

i was naive and stupid,

to believe and hold.

i was dumb and retarded,

to get fooled and played with.

my life seem so much of a downfall, never landing.

where's the helping hand that i needed?

don't tell me that you will always be there, it's a lie.

don' promise me anything, it will never be fulfilled.

i've got my emotions, no protection over it.

it's expose to all kind of happening and situation.

i'm not as strong that everybody thought i am.

neither am i that weak that you can really crush.

i'm trying really hard, i thought i succeeded

but actual fact, i ran away from it too long that it became too far back.

it's still there, never ever got healed or answered.

i'm good at running, never good at facing it hard.

not to, i told myself every single time.

shake myself away, leaving traces of memories print.

leaving pieces there as it were left.

remained there untouch.

i'm in pain, who cares?

seriously in pain.

BLOODY BEETROOTS

yes, this band give the feeling of spiderman.

and it's totally cute when you see them on stage.

not that they are gorgeously cute and attractive.

but their actions and feeling to me.

especially the bigger size dude.

not that i'm a huge fan of them, i just find them really cute.

at least they entertained me with their nice mix and actions.

yes, i'm lucky to work in Zouk outlet that day and wasn't that crazily busy.

love it, and they somehow really brought up the atmosphere that night.

one word, awesome.

you all should see the way they perform.

a little lame, yet funny.

crap, somehow i just like it.

PS : for the mix and actions. :)

Not a need for Audience, but a need for Space.

i feel that i don't belong there anymore.

i'm totally excluded, is there even an existence for me?

whatever.

school gonna be a big time bitch, 5 modules.

slap me hard, push me to study.

yes, i need it.

somehow, i really hate me.

i hate my life.

boring, lifeless, almost friendless and stupid.

FUCK AND DIE!

i was actually really excited on how my avatar would look like.

and figure it would definitely be much better looking comparing to my real self.

BUT!

dammit, it's worst.

eh, it's like i'm already not that pretty.

but it's like my avatar is even worst.

kill me please.

to make my own avatar, i've got to use a photo which i'm facing the camera directly.

and i just anyhow took one that was taken a month ago.

okay, don't laugh.

i know i look super girlie, and act chio/cute/gentle.

but whatever, it's one of the photo i can find.

if i find a photo too old, it won't be accurate already.

so whatever!

then after all the matching and stuff,

i waited anxiously for my avatar to be done.

but when it's finally done, i was damn disappointed luh.

you see.....

UGLY LIKE MAD OKAY!?!?!

damn, am i really fated to be ugly

and the worst thing is, avatar suppose to have really big eyes.

why is my avatar's eyes this small?

JUST LIKE ME!

thank you very much.

and yes, my avatar look absolutely like an idiot.

FUCK AND DIE!

Seeing the Obvious.

sometimes i really feel dumb and stupid.

maybe i'm really am, but i do feel extreme.

i'll ask myself stupid and unproductive questions.

and hell yes, the answer is already right in front of me.

am i a joke?

i'm feeling really a little down and stress recently.

it's not a very good sign, but i've gotta bear with it.

tell me, it's just another more month to go.

Numb.

work, sleep, work, sleep.

it seem like this is my routine for recent days.

ask me if i'm sick of it, yes i am.

i wanna meet my friends and enjoy the night together.

for a movie, crazy session, or whatever.

yesterday i totally shut myself down during work.

ignoring what's happening around me.

stare into space, sink into the beats.

i felt so tired and alone.

when people ask me where am i heading or doing, 1 word reply, work.

they must be getting sick of it, i know.

as much as i want to join them, i couldn't.

i missed all the fun and hanging out.

friends, bear with me.

Loves.

Goodbye, Hello.

finally 2009 is over, gone for good.

i'm really glad that it finally ended.

2009 was really painful for me.

with all the bad happenings and down with luck,

i've really suffered tonnes of shit stuff.

it's not some great mishap, but it's enough to put me through all sort of torture.

emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually, and financially.

i may not be the worst of the worst, but definitely worst of the average.

yes, i've break down times over and over again.

i've got into all sort of troubles.

i'm being played and treated like a fool.

i've lost myself and almost couldn't be found again.

there's seriously more to say.

but, 2009 taught me lessons that i couldn't learn if those didn't happen.

i ought to be glad somehow.

2010, please be nice to me.

i need you to be good, really good.

well, at least, normal.

let me have my resolution half fulfill.

don't have me shedding my tears that often.

pull me through everything.

i just want a normal living.

love me, 2010.

i'll be good.