ponder and reveal.

sometimes i really wonder why am i so emotional.

it's like i can cry myself to sleep, not in mood to do anything.

and i'll just feel like hiding at home and be in my bed.

is this normal??

it is not as if i have some major breakups,

someone left me for good in another world,

family abuse or any kind of unfortunate stuff.

but why do i always feel so down?

no wrong that there are guys trying to make fool of my life.

theoretically, fuck and died.

yes, they tried to get me in the wrong dirty disgusting way.

do i even look like a free whore to you?

you guys gross me up.

if i'm lacking of control, i'd have slapped you and waking you up.

don't ever treat girls in all these manner, show them some respect.

but yet, guys just can't be bothered with their vertical sticks.

money is probably another stressful stuff for me.

i've been spoil since i'm young.

not that i get hundreds to spend but i do get what i want most of the time.

but now, everything is so different for me.

there's nobody to buy things for me, not even on birthday.

everything i want i have to work to get it.

be it just a simple dress or maybe some relaxing meal.

sometimes i feel so pathetic when my pals have to accommodate my budget.

there's so many bills for me to pay up,

there's so many things i have been longing to get.

there's so many and so many, the list seem to be endless.

if only i can strike it big instantly.

family seem to be taxing me in all areas.

money, time and emotions.

they don't seem to understand me at all.

i'm only a 20 year old kid.

i know, i'm not that young, but i do have my limits.

i need the care and concern that can only be given by family.

i'm not a superwoman who can handle everything alone.

give me some family time, and let me reminiscent.

how many of you are left in my list, friends?

i can pathetically count the number of you with one hand.

why do you all leave me here all alone?

do you know that i miss you all so much?

you all seem to have rejected me and forgotten my existence.

as much as i wish to ring you all up, i don't know where to begin.

you all seem to be so distance away from me,

"hello" doesn't seem to be able to reach your side.

i've never been confident with my looks.

yes, i admit i am another ugly and fat living in this world.

every time i look in the mirror, feeling of dejected overwhelm me.

"how can i be prettier?" i constantly asking myself.

perhaps make up help, but it's not real, a lie.

i certainly do envy people with natural beauty.

no make up yet they still stand out from the crowd.

why can't i just be like them?

even if i put on make up, i'll still never stand out or look any better.

i seriously do feel disgusted with my looks and size.

i do wish to hide or run away when i'm out with all kind of glamorous people.

i don't feel good seeing people.

all in all, i'm unhappy.

Losing myself.

darkness filled everywhere i move.

i could no longer see or feel what's ahead of me.

even the light from my cigarettes seem to be useless.

drowning with the booze yet i'm wide awake with the emotions and thoughts.

i'm losing myself, could no longer hold back.

i'm weak, brave front does not exist anymore.

exhausted till the point of breaking down.

no more strength to hold back those heavy tears.

shadows come and go,

nightmares haunt me every night.

i fear for all these,

please don't do this to me.

somebody, someone.

everything is just a pack of lies.

i don't wanna hear, i don't wanna know.

i rather suffer with those remains.

i needed a living, not dead.

the feeling is so strong, drowning me.

feeling so uncertain, so unsure.

nobody's here.

alone.

MYSELF, happy birthday.

well, i'm finally in me 20.

yes, i no longer 1x.

getting old really fast.

well, i wouldn't say i'm really disappointed with my birthday,

least, i do have friends, Kimberly and clique, and my beloved Serene to celebrate it with me.

i can really tell who's really there for me and who's not.

yes, i'm really disappointed with friends who i thought was closest to my heart.

i really doubt they actually remember my birthday.

why, cause, i've disable my facebook birthday notification.

and true enough, not much people actually wish me.

heartless or forgetful?

i don't really wanna comment on it.

neither do i wanna judge anyone.

i'll just let it pass keeping everything in my heart.

i do seriously hope this year will be better.

thanks Serene for always being there.

though you have school early in the morning, at 8am, you still make the effort to be there.

and yes, you bear with the killer heels pain.

oh, and the almost-caused-me-dead super flaming lambo.

so much loved, seriously.

thanks Peijun, darling, for delivering my present to my doorstep though i'm not home.

it did surprised me, and i feel touch.

i actually thought you did forget about my birthday.

but, love you for this small little surprise.

promise, i'll buy you another ring. :)

thanks Kimberly for partying with me tonight.

accompanied me throughout, especially those heated up experiences.

thanks for forgoing your studies for a night just to party with me.

sorry that i must have bored you with my smoking breaks.

but you're so much loved.

well, pretty pathetic when i sincerely have this few to thank.

but i really do appreciate it, from the bottom of my heart.

anyway, thanks for the wishes people.

simple words make one feels better.

loves to those whom i know now.

agony.

i hate to see birthday celebration.

when i know, mine will never be as great as theirs.

yes, i admit, i'm jealous and filled with envy.

only if you know how i spent my past 8 years of birthday.

i really wish, somehow.

just for a better birthday without ending up in tears.

just some people to shower me in surprises and love.

yet, it never happened.

close to it, but all ended up being screwed.

i don't know whether is it fated or pure coincidence?

i give up, i should have just give up long ago.

but i always crave for something.

it's coming, 6 more days.

disappointment will be filled, i know.

probably, nobody remembers, nobody knows about it.

fuck it, i've just like a dust particle.

goodbye.

Stone away.

draining away,

nothing was left.

couldn't recuperate,

lost of breath.

where's the pause button?

i needed it badly.

no, i don't wanna stop.

i have to go on.

let me go, you have to.

i can't remain, i don't belong.

take those memories away,

it's a killer, it's suicidal.

drown me with painkillers,

which has never work.

i feel so stone, let me drift.

don't bring me back to reality.

that's not it.

as always, what can i do?

i'm fine, i'm okay.

it's not the fact.

just that, i'm used to it.

i've gotta force myself,

i've gotta bend my feelings,

i've gotta let go of my thoughts,

just not to make things ugly.

i'm demanding,

but there isn't a exit for it.

as much as i need to reach out,

the more i get rejected and dump.

make this a joke,

laugh out loud at me.

make me a joke,

treat me as a clown.

i wouldn't mind,

i wouldn't care.

just be there,

that's all i need.

yet, nobody knows,

nobody understand.

misunderstand and left.

what's more to add?

it's done,

i'm losing myself.

where am i?

the past tense.

Piercing Pain.

i don't know if that's the option i should made.

i shouldn't make myself miserable anymore,

i should put an end to it, but yet, i'm bleeding.

it seem like it's getting worst than before.

guess it's only the beginning.

time will heal all wounds, hopefully.

but, there's bound to be scars.

scar remover doesn't exist in this case.

she's someone that i'll go great length for.

too late, i gave up.

guess she will be better off without me.

i know she will.

take care.

when there's no words to describe.

i won't deny how much you have disappoint me.

i won't deny that i'm angry with you.

but yet, i'm sorry that you didn't do well.

what else more do you what me to say?

yes, you're never a good friend there for me at all.

not even just once, i don't remember any.

maybe you took me for granted, maybe treated me as a fool.

i wouldn't know.

how much disappointment have you actually gave me.

and all of them, were such a blow in my face.

truth to said, i've long give me.

give up on everything that are related to you.

that's was my last hope pinned on you.

you don't know how i feel all these times.

you're like a friend that i tried to hard to have.

now then did i realised, you're merely a familiar stranger.

i don't even know you anymore.

to think, i looked forward your papers to end.

yet, what i gotten from all the waiting?

disappointment, yet again.

if you only how much things you promised me,

if you remember how you broke all those promises.

a friend, indeed a friend.

goodbye, familiar stranger.

Born to be a Fool.

perhaps, my biggest regret is that i'm surviving for so long.

i should have been dead long ago, i should have.

guess, i'll be happier that way.

i waited, and waited.

yet, you ignored my presence, you ignored my emotions.

you simply ignored everything.

my stand is no longer the same.

i treated you my best, you treated me as fool, a stranger.

ask yourself, how i treated you and how you have treated me all these while.

you have your ongoing stuff, i don't blame.

but i too have my ongoing stuff, and will still take the effort to reply.

yet, you simply ignore.

don't tell me another word of yours.

your words, i can no longer believe in.

you're not there when i needed.

when you're in need, i offered to be there, yet you always reject.

you tell me what should i do, what can i do?

i lied to you i admit, you always upset me when you turned me down.

you upset me, made me pissed.

but what else can i do or say?

lies, this is to lessen the guilt that you may have.

i never will want you to feel bad about anything.

cause, you're a great friend to me, somehow.

yet, you repeat these acts so easily.

leaving me there hanging.

words, they are just plain lies.

sincerity should be showed through actions, not words.

words are cheap, actions are priceless.

but what action did i get?

don't treat me as a fool, i beg.

not this way, i won't be able to take it any longer.

i'm on the verge on giving up.

giving up on everything.

i hate myself, to be so forgiving, to be soft hearted.

never will i want to be treated in this manner, but why?

sometimes, i really do wish to be treated better.

someone to treat me really as a friend, selfless towards me.

there isn't any at all.

'fuck and die' maybe the just the perfect phrase for everything happening recently.

if only you could,

look into my eyes, connect to my heart.

a need to know, a need to let go.

a touch of sincerity, bring in great miles.

you have to know, yet unknowingly.

how to express, how to make it known.

different words, nothing escape.

plain stupid, an act put on.

what's the point, tears shed.

just one small touch, ownership belongs.

those thoughts, no one can read.

expose it, a need to understand the deepest mind.

a depth of heart, a depth of love.

Mistakes to be lived with.

Cause nobody wants to be the last one there.

Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares.
Someone to love with my life in their hands.
There`s gotta be somebody for me like that.

Cause nobody wants to do it on their own
And everyone wants to know they´re not alone.
There's somebody else that feels the same somewhere.
There`s gotta be somebody for me out there.

i'm really sorry for all the silly things i've done.

was looking through those photos taken back then.

and now then did i realised, i'm missing them.

not just friends alone, it's the moment spent.

i know things will not change to the way it used to be

but least, i really wish that everything could be slightly similar.

blame me for not having the courage to speak up and apologize.

blame me for being so reckless and ignorance.

Clique 8

we were never that close as in a whole.

maybe we were close to certain individuals.

at least, you all are a group that's around me for the entire secondary school times.

created lots of emotions in me and let me understand.

you all weren't exactly there, maybe a certain few.

i'm too different from all of you, i knew it all along.

but i tried my best to accommodate, all unnecessary.

yet, i still miss those times in secondary school with you all.

crazy soccer session with all the crazy screaming,

lunch times together, neoprint sessions in town,

chilling out sessions in school and outside school.

awful quarrels, painful tears, lifetime suicide,

unimportant birthday celebration of mine,

ignorance to my feelings, mask that i wore all the times.

this is really how i felt, you all never knew.

you all are already a part of my past.

i do miss you all at times, but i know, i know.

blame it all on me.

Karen

you're my twins, we had same birthday and everything common.

i enjoyed all my times with you, i love you like my real sister.

i'm willing to just be there without anything in return.

my closest friend since primary school.

i'm bad at times, we do clashed at times due to our similar, hot temper.

i'm envy of you all times, you're someone that i do look up to.

you're a big sister who look out to me.

i'm grateful for it.

but everything keeps going up and down.

our friendship is just like a roller coaster ride.

i do treasure the times.

though we're not contacting anymore,

but whenever i pass by your place or area,

i would have the strong urge to give you a message or call.

yet i do not have the courage to send you that simple message.

i don't know what happened between us,

yet we just stopped contacting.

i heard words, and i'm upset.

but i still want you as my friend.

i do hope everything is good for you.

PJ, HK, YL.

simple people bring simple actions to make you day.

thanks for accepting me for who am i and all the simple times.

movies, chill out at mac, and cold jokes.

you're so much missed by me.

although it have been a really long time since we last met as a whole,

but i'll never forget you all and you're constantly on my mind.

seriously, i do wish we will meet up really soon.

just a simple dinner, simple chit chat session will do.

i really do miss those times in secondary school.

where we can meet anytime and go out after school.

it seems so tough nowadays with our different commitments.

and our timing always seem to clash.

you're missed.

Karen and Jasmine

ever since i left poly, we have never met up once at all.

i feel like talking and asking you all out, but somehow, something is pulling me back.

it's me again, i know.

i'm sorry about it, and i know, we can never go out together again.

just that, i do think about the past. that's all.

sorry to all.

Valentine.

A person singled out especially as one's sweetheart.

it's Valentine's day as well as first day of Chinese New Year.

lots of couple missed celebrating Valentine together.

not some sweet romantic whole day date with their partners.

but probably, some boring visiting to relative's who don't even bother much.

well, Valentine's day don't have to be celebrated with your another half.

it can also be celebrated with your family or friends.

but this year, i doubt there's any choice for most people.

good or bad?

actually, i don't really bother about Valentine or Chinese New Year.

both doesn't really matters to me, it's just another day.

why people wanna make such a big fuss about it?

if you're really in love, everyday should be Valentine.

why must everybody show most love on Valentine?

kind of pointless isn't it?

but yes, maybe it's a day that makes people remember to show more love.

i don't have a valentine, i admit.

i don't need one either.

yes, i might envy people who have a sweet Valentine with their partners.

yet, i guess i'm happier this way.

no flowers, no presents, no surprises, no sweet romance.

well, go ahead and laugh at me but i feel fine without those.

they are just additional stuff to make one happy.

i might sound like self-consoling, but i really feel it that way.

i do wish i get some of those, but it's not a need or must.

Chinese New Year isn't a festive that i look forward too.

people may love it cause of the "bonus" amount they can get from it.

yes, i may like it too.

but yet, hell no.

with the amount of sarcasm i received from them,

comparing to the amount they give,

it's really damn pathetic and not worth.

and i really don't like my relatives.

they maybe part of my family,

but to me, they are familiar strangers.

they won't appreciate anything.

worst is that, they are really pinching in money matters.

that's not even the actual main matter,

it's the way they look and treat you.

it's not something that's pleasant.

i rather they don't exist at all, or i don't have to visit them cause of this tradition.

i pity my mum for being the youngest in her family.

she's like limping her way from house to house.

wasting unnecessary cab fares and time.

what's the actual use of it?

LIFE.

Normality?

just like every other usual day.

woke up with sun shining.

it's blue with clouds yet again.

nothing seem to roaring up,

nothing seem to be in danger zone.

talks were normal, without a tint of heat.

are things going back to norm?

or are they just taking a break from everything?

feeling unsafe, feeling disturb.

at least i know, i still don't feel fine.

a need in some help, who to call?

i need some great day out, it have been a long time.

i miss my friends, past tense.

i miss my family, past tense.

i miss my environment, past tense.

i miss my life, past tense.

i miss me, past tense.

Sinner.




Forever i am, a sinner.
no matter how much effort and thoughts,
i'm still a sinner, a blame for everything.

sick and tired of it, no use for anything.
misunderstood and accusation,
blames and faults.
they seem to be my best friend, that i can never get rid of.

trust me, i really tried and control.
putting in whatever i can, useless.
i need a break, understanding.
but no, there isn't.

i'm a sinner, put all the blame on me.
i'm a sinner, who nobody will ever understand.
i'm a sinner, who is never right in any ways.
i'm a sinner, that have sentenced death.

just a sinner.

Insomnia.

tossing around, unable to drift away to a land of deniance.

feeling tired, yet images keep haunting me.

tried to shake it away, but yet, too persistent.

feel the agony where tears stream,

those painful sorrows, left imprint in me.

what am i suppose to do, how am i to get rid of them?

i need a moment of slience.

mute the surroundings, let it be ever so soundless.

stop the replaying memories, they are not of importances anymore.

get me back, back to where i have to be.

Deceiving.

how many times you turned you back and lied to you love ones?

how many times have you forced yourself to say those mean things?

how many times have you cried after those scenes?

how many times you hurt yourself with all those lies?

you can deceive the whole world, yet not yourself.

you can put a smile at the end of the lie, but not on the soring heart.

you can pretend you're alright, when you know deep down, you're not.

you can not know anything, but your heart does.

i hate lies, yet i can't help it.

i say mean things at times, but i don't feel good either.

i miss you people, those who i once hurt.

i need you here, but it's too late.

i'm remorseful, seriously.

Silence.




There's not a need for word.

or even a sound.

turn me deaf in the emptiness i felt.

soundless memories being played,

staring aimlessly at the screen.

never ending, not a change.

bring me away,

write me a new chapter.

give me the sound that i long to hear.

return hopes into me.

where are you, past tense?

Pathetic.

Friend :

i'm not a good friend that someone will wanna have.

i'm not a good friend that everybody love.

i'm not a good friend that is good enough to be a friend of theirs.

i'm not a good friend that could be just like a superman.

in fact i'm a just a pathetic soul that nobody will wanna have as a friend.

Boyfriend :

i'm not a good girlfriend that could be there for boyfriend 24/7.

i'm not a good girlfriend that will rather accompany my boyfriend to my girlfriends.

i'm not a good girlfriend that will treasure and cherish a boyfriend.

i'm not a good girlfriend that anybody will love to have or even love.

in fact, i'm just a pathetic soul that no boyfriend will wanna have as a girlfriend.

Family :

i'm not a good sister or daughter that you will wanna have around in the house.

i'm not a good sister or daughter that will listen to every single word you say.

i'm not a good sister or daughter that will help out and do house work.

i'm not a good sister or daughter that will keep her stuff neat and tidy.

in fact, i'm just a pathetic soul that no family would want to have given birth to.

all in all, i'm just a pathetic soul around.

fuck and die

And I'll never love again,

you came and go, i don't need you.

what you left is just throbbing pain.

it became a stain that remains forever.

causing a phobia that was constantly reminded.

i hate everything that was done.

though i don't regret, but there's just plain hatred.

no, i should be thankful to everything you have done.

you're like taught all the "should not, never not".

everything was just a waste, wasted.

Trap in Agony.

why do i keep reminiscing the past?

flashback and memories.

how do i clear them away and live afresh?

it's haunting me, badly.

i tried really hard not to think about it anymore.

but, i'll just wonder off slowly and back to that spot.

i should have moved on, i thought i did.

yet, recent happenings, brought them all back to me at one go.

stop it, i shouted at myself.

forget about it, it's already the past.

you're stronger now, you know it well.

but no, i just hid everything in the deepest corner.

not removed.

pretendence seem to be my forte now.

nobody ever know, nobody ever see.

every single soul, thought i'm just fine on my own.

no, i'm not alright, i'm not okay, i'm not fine.

i'm just another girl.