Never in Family.

as i have expected, silence is just a pause.

everything turned heated up once again.

and this time, no tolerance is available.

in the middle of the night.

sometimes, i really hate my dad.

i know i shouldn't be, but i can't help it.

he does not even work to support the family,

all he do is smoke and sleep.

when he's not happy with who-knows-what,

he will just roar into anger with vulgarities.

and give those killer look till every heat in him is gone.

he got a serious emotional un-stability.

my mother, no i don't hate her.

sometimes i'm just too pissed off to do anything.

but if things happen, i'll sure jump to her to keep her safe.

she need more protection than i do.

yes, she's a drama-mama at times.

trying to gain as much attention as she wants.

and it's really irritating and annoying.

but i still love her.

sometimes i really wish my mother would have follow the decision and abort me.

least, this will ease the financial burden by some extent and less suffering.

i don't feel happy in this family at all.

it's like a wrong choice.

i seriously think that,

my family will do real good without the presence of my dad.

he should return to the cell, and never release.

he should be kept behind those bars.

and yet,

i'm helpless, i can't do anything.

fuck and die.

Sinner.




Forever i am, a sinner.
no matter how much effort and thoughts,
i'm still a sinner, a blame for everything.

sick and tired of it, no use for anything.
misunderstood and accusation,
blames and faults.
they seem to be my best friend, that i can never get rid of.

trust me, i really tried and control.
putting in whatever i can, useless.
i need a break, understanding.
but no, there isn't.

i'm a sinner, put all the blame on me.
i'm a sinner, who nobody will ever understand.
i'm a sinner, who is never right in any ways.
i'm a sinner, that have sentenced death.

just a sinner.

Insomnia.

tossing around, unable to drift away to a land of deniance.

feeling tired, yet images keep haunting me.

tried to shake it away, but yet, too persistent.

feel the agony where tears stream,

those painful sorrows, left imprint in me.

what am i suppose to do, how am i to get rid of them?

i need a moment of slience.

mute the surroundings, let it be ever so soundless.

stop the replaying memories, they are not of importances anymore.

get me back, back to where i have to be.

Put All The Blames On Me.

i was involved, yet i'm the last to know it all.

you pour stories on me behind my back, great one.

you were so much respected, you broke it.

i'm just a stone that you can't wait to kick it off the pavement.

i did nothing nothing that conceal my consciousness.

you push all the blames on me.

everybody thought everything is my fault now, the one to blame.

you gave me a good hard slap to my dignity, my pride.

thanks for the lies, thanks for the ruining of image.

now everybody think of me that way.

yes, even someone i really trusted.

you're always skeptic about me.

and everything i do is just so wrong.

if only you know, "what goes around, comes around".

one day, i'll make sure you are sorry for what you have done.

i'm just an unlucky one who have became the scapegoat for all mistake.

yes, just say all you want, i'll gladly welcome anything.

no point defending, no point explaining.

things get heat up and nasty.

i chose to walk away, taking faults that don't even belong to me.

and you accused me of being rude.

well, if you prefer it another way.

i would have already stay there and defend myself well, in a nasty way.

but i respected you, that's why i walked away.

and yet you think i'm rude to walk away and cool myself down.

alright, thanks then.

whatever you say, i know it well myself.

whatever people think, those who truly know me, they won't bother.

i can't be bothered about it any longer.

why make myself suffer all these when it's just small little crafty actions that you seek cheap thrills in?

definitely a joke.

fuck and die, you deserve it well.

Seeing the Obvious.

sometimes i really feel dumb and stupid.

maybe i'm really am, but i do feel extreme.

i'll ask myself stupid and unproductive questions.

and hell yes, the answer is already right in front of me.

am i a joke?

i'm feeling really a little down and stress recently.

it's not a very good sign, but i've gotta bear with it.

tell me, it's just another more month to go.

The Envy and Jealous.

Christmas wasn't great this year.

to be truthful, it really sucks to the max of all.

it's like, there's no celebration for me, no present.

well, all thanks to work i suppose.

i missed out all the great fun.

PS : i stood at my counter like a retarded idiot on the eve and actual day.

there's no turkey, ham, sumptuous feast or anything.

not even a slice of log cake.

tell me, how good can this Christmas be for me?

work is getting a bore nowadays.

people say, working in a club is so cool and happening.

can i reject this thought of yours?

it's really one of the not so happening and boring job.

or maybe it's my department, cashier.

today is awfully bad.

not that i stood there like an retard idiot again,

but today was a total mess.

crowds flow in like tsunami.

non stop bills flow with piling bills that doesn't seem to stop growing.

noises, shouting and irritating customer orders.

giving terrible headaches and annoyed responds.

sorry that i've created a mess out of those bills.

i don't know why am i that blur, but i really didn't mean it.

perhaps, i shouldn't be placed there in the first place.

damn.

chapter 317.

walk in the rain,

wash off those masks, wash off the pain, wash off all the thoughts. drench the feelings, drench the unhappiness, drench the burning sensation left in everything.

leave me lying there, all drench and dead.

let's not stop the pouring rain.

realization.



well, if you don't like my actions, it's none of my problem.
you can speak up to me, but i've got my reasons for my act.
don't think you're oh-so-innocent, cause there's fault with you too.
i'm sick of you thinking that everything is everybody's fault and not yours.
you're not always right, nobody is.

you should do some self-reflection.
i know i maybe overboard, but i really can't stand you attitude.
you think you're the oh-so-good one that we can't ignore you.
you kept blabbering about things in lesson, we need concentration.

stop repeating yourself, by saying something like
"omg, ______ is so hungry" 10 times within an hour.
how do you expect us to answer when we already know.
then you will go that we ignore you.
how funny you are.

you think i'm rude, i don't disagree with it.
cause i am, i admit.
it's part of me, and you drive it to get worst.
no i don't treat all people like that, but people like you, ought to deserve something like that.

you drove me to extreme, somehow, you giving me a face of please-come-irritate-me face.
how can i resist it?
nobody could.
and you start irritation first.

excel, you do have it, yet you said you didn't have.
you don't know how to use it doesn't mean you don't have it.
you could at least try, i pity ______ and _____.
they do and rush all by themselves till 4am.
yet you just get answers from others and sent to _____ and _____ treating that you did your part.

and, you always complaining that you're tired or having some stomach ache/cramp.
and we just let you rest without complain.
once happened, second time came, followed by third.
and you just happily surfing the com at the other side saying you needed to rest.
and i was like rushing here and there.
well done.

stop taking advantages of people.
we are not oblige to it.

does all this sound irresponsible?
yes to me.

you're plain rude as well.
know it youself and stop denying it.
you're a good denier.

more to say,
but oh well, this shall be all for now.

i don't need someone who need to reconsider friendship.
it's a fake and that's not call friendship at all.
nobody is perfect, so are you.
you're the oh-so-mighty-great one.
spare us.

it's different, not like normal.

do you know how tiring is it?

having to keep thinking of somebody, something, but not even be able to hold on to it.

i'm so experiencing this right now.

there's so much thing i would really like to get,

people that i really miss and so want to meet them up,

so many things i want to do,

but, there's so many restrictions.

money is the most important factor.

time is the second.

my misses are all in school, preparing for exams, projects and etc.

and hell yes, don't have much time for me.

even 5 mins, i'll be happy.

Gracie, Pei Jun, Jasmine, Shuxian, Hwee Khim, Ying Lin and others.

i so so so wanna meet them.

but i know, it won't be easy.

they have just started school, yet i'm only starting next week.

please please tell me when you all are free!

there's so much i want to buy too.

just give me a thousand, it will be enough.

i won't ask for more.

i need a job to fulfill my cravings, but yet i'm not allowed to work.

bag, shoes, top, bottom, dress, cosmetic, skincare.

all these stuff freaking need money.

even if i go out, i need money too.

hell it.

yes, more clubbing please.

before all will be too tired.

i need more happy and great time!

party party, drink drink, pictures pictures, fun fun.

i wanna travel overseas.

even to malaysia, i'll be happy.

feeling trap in Singapore.

it's so boring.

anybody?

i'm feeling so tired just thinking of all these stuff.

driving nuts.

:(

if there isn't respect, walk away.

Yesterday, seem to be some reunion day for me.

well, went to meet Edmund for some time wasting, followed by meeting Pei Jun.

Actually planned to go Amk Hub for subway, but unexpectedly, we met up with 2 people that we were talking about the day before.

Ying Lin and Hwee Khim.

it feels really nice, it's really been awhile ever since i saw them, especially, Ying Lin.

dinner was filled with all the catching up and laughters.

food was great and cheap at Tony Roma's.

aftermath, met up with Eric, Yau and some other people for some drinking session.

well, though it's a little weird due to 2 different group,

but overall, the drinks make everything fine.

chat, crap, drink till around 4.

PS : i'm not going to sing anymore, sucks.

it felt really great to meet them in just a day.

i really did enjoy myself with every single of them.

thanks, really.

today,
first day of school, it's isn't bad but not great.
went to school with a ultimate puffy face, especially eyes.
lack of sleep, alcohol, nervousness.

late for class and settle down weirdly.
class seem to be unfriendly, or maybe they are just shy.
but i feel that, i'm in some blind date/matchemaking stuff.
well, it's too early for me to judge.
i do like this new environment.

rather upset at the later part of the day, after school.
i feel that, i do not even have the least respect.
if you just wanna show off and ignoring my feelings, i'll gladly walk away.

i love you, and i know you love me to.
but, your actions are really intolerant and really hurt me till a seriously great extent.
you taught me before to think before i act, but why ain't you implying this to yourself?
i think you do need some reflection, everybody do.
this isn't great, you will end up losing.


shall grab some early sleep today.
hopefully no puffiness tomorrow.
else, i'll stuck my face in a bowl of ice water.
:D

G'nights

i dreamt of negative, yet you're the negative.

tell me what to do, i'm not perfect.
i don't meet people from the net.
not that i'm anti-social or anything.
it's just that the aftermath do scare me.

i've been through those avoid and drift after meeting up.
so what we were close before we meet up.
but somehow, everything do change after that.
yes, you may say that i'm over-sensitive.
but, it's the fact and i've been through it.

i don't have a figure, i'm fat.
i'm not attractive, i'm ugly.
i'm different in reality, how much can i show in typing?
everybody knows this, it's the fact for who i am.

i don't understand why that a plan to meet up can just be so stressful to me.
i can't take the stress level, it sadden me.
i don't want any history to repeat.
it's the worst feeling ever, you don't know.

yes, all friends start from strangers.
but net friends are different.
in the sense that, we knew each other.
virtual yet not reality.
it's totally different matters.

i do treasure all my net friends.
as much as i wish we could remain this way, somehow, there will be request to meet up.
i'm lost and it seems like, a stressful and unpleasent stuff.

i just wish to shut off myself.

the 100th post.

i can't seem to be able to control my own life.
i can't express my thoughts, i can't be my fucking self.
what i wanna say-feel-think, seem to have to go through a selective machine.
but, what people say-feel-think, can just shoot me all they want.
what is this suppose to mean?

come'on, i'm a human with feelings too.
i ain't a robort that made of metal and controlled by the controller.
i need to be myself, i want to control my own life instead.
understand me.

if this what friends are meant to be, i doubt it doesn't worth much.
it's really tiring to try your best and nobody appreciate it.
i don't have any much strength to hold on any longer.
but what will happen if i just let go?