Losing myself.

darkness filled everywhere i move.

i could no longer see or feel what's ahead of me.

even the light from my cigarettes seem to be useless.

drowning with the booze yet i'm wide awake with the emotions and thoughts.

i'm losing myself, could no longer hold back.

i'm weak, brave front does not exist anymore.

exhausted till the point of breaking down.

no more strength to hold back those heavy tears.

shadows come and go,

nightmares haunt me every night.

i fear for all these,

please don't do this to me.

somebody, someone.

everything is just a pack of lies.

i don't wanna hear, i don't wanna know.

i rather suffer with those remains.

i needed a living, not dead.

the feeling is so strong, drowning me.

feeling so uncertain, so unsure.

nobody's here.

alone.

Goodbye.

you all were once my playmates.

you all were there during those lifeless countdown.

you all were once the people that i see most during a week.

you all were been missed when i stopped everything and left.

but after yesterday, i felt that everything seem to be so pointless now.

i missed you all so much, but now i felt like a total stranger.

slience is all i can hear, not a word spoken.

what happened?

it's time to move on, Jacq.

you will find better people in a new place, new environment.

you shouldn't have even turn up or miss them at all.

you shouldn't have, that chapter have ended.

thanks for everything, the memories, the joy, the fun.

i should put a stop here now.

you guys were great.

no more dwelling over it.

Mistakes to be lived with.

Cause nobody wants to be the last one there.

Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares.
Someone to love with my life in their hands.
There`s gotta be somebody for me like that.

Cause nobody wants to do it on their own
And everyone wants to know they´re not alone.
There's somebody else that feels the same somewhere.
There`s gotta be somebody for me out there.

i'm really sorry for all the silly things i've done.

was looking through those photos taken back then.

and now then did i realised, i'm missing them.

not just friends alone, it's the moment spent.

i know things will not change to the way it used to be

but least, i really wish that everything could be slightly similar.

blame me for not having the courage to speak up and apologize.

blame me for being so reckless and ignorance.

Clique 8

we were never that close as in a whole.

maybe we were close to certain individuals.

at least, you all are a group that's around me for the entire secondary school times.

created lots of emotions in me and let me understand.

you all weren't exactly there, maybe a certain few.

i'm too different from all of you, i knew it all along.

but i tried my best to accommodate, all unnecessary.

yet, i still miss those times in secondary school with you all.

crazy soccer session with all the crazy screaming,

lunch times together, neoprint sessions in town,

chilling out sessions in school and outside school.

awful quarrels, painful tears, lifetime suicide,

unimportant birthday celebration of mine,

ignorance to my feelings, mask that i wore all the times.

this is really how i felt, you all never knew.

you all are already a part of my past.

i do miss you all at times, but i know, i know.

blame it all on me.

Karen

you're my twins, we had same birthday and everything common.

i enjoyed all my times with you, i love you like my real sister.

i'm willing to just be there without anything in return.

my closest friend since primary school.

i'm bad at times, we do clashed at times due to our similar, hot temper.

i'm envy of you all times, you're someone that i do look up to.

you're a big sister who look out to me.

i'm grateful for it.

but everything keeps going up and down.

our friendship is just like a roller coaster ride.

i do treasure the times.

though we're not contacting anymore,

but whenever i pass by your place or area,

i would have the strong urge to give you a message or call.

yet i do not have the courage to send you that simple message.

i don't know what happened between us,

yet we just stopped contacting.

i heard words, and i'm upset.

but i still want you as my friend.

i do hope everything is good for you.

PJ, HK, YL.

simple people bring simple actions to make you day.

thanks for accepting me for who am i and all the simple times.

movies, chill out at mac, and cold jokes.

you're so much missed by me.

although it have been a really long time since we last met as a whole,

but i'll never forget you all and you're constantly on my mind.

seriously, i do wish we will meet up really soon.

just a simple dinner, simple chit chat session will do.

i really do miss those times in secondary school.

where we can meet anytime and go out after school.

it seems so tough nowadays with our different commitments.

and our timing always seem to clash.

you're missed.

Karen and Jasmine

ever since i left poly, we have never met up once at all.

i feel like talking and asking you all out, but somehow, something is pulling me back.

it's me again, i know.

i'm sorry about it, and i know, we can never go out together again.

just that, i do think about the past. that's all.

sorry to all.

Endless memories.

I thought everything was over,

but i'm just deceiving myself from everything.

you never left, not physically, but in my memories.

passed by the places we used to meet, a long walk before you enter.

remembering everything you did back then.

meaning little to you, yet it was unforgettable moments that i had with you.

thanks so much.

though i'm really upset by your doing,

and yes, everything was stained with a tint of hatred.

but still, you were a long chapter in my life.

i appreciate all of them.

Goodbye.

Stop those Flashbacks.

do you know how it really irritate me?

every moment of the past, just came pouring down on me.

every ache i suffered, every pain and scar given.

nightmare that haunt me all night till i found myself so lost.

it's a reality, just too real, that was unbelievable.

it boils down to streaming tears in the heart, not the eyes.

crying for help, yet barely anyone heard it.

silly laughters that concealed the pain.

i was naive and stupid,

to believe and hold.

i was dumb and retarded,

to get fooled and played with.

my life seem so much of a downfall, never landing.

where's the helping hand that i needed?

don't tell me that you will always be there, it's a lie.

don' promise me anything, it will never be fulfilled.

i've got my emotions, no protection over it.

it's expose to all kind of happening and situation.

i'm not as strong that everybody thought i am.

neither am i that weak that you can really crush.

i'm trying really hard, i thought i succeeded

but actual fact, i ran away from it too long that it became too far back.

it's still there, never ever got healed or answered.

i'm good at running, never good at facing it hard.

not to, i told myself every single time.

shake myself away, leaving traces of memories print.

leaving pieces there as it were left.

remained there untouch.

i'm in pain, who cares?

seriously in pain.

there's so much i want to tell you...


Gosh, i've got tons of photos to blog.
really, it's alot.

well, i'm really happy now.
it's those kind of relieve happiness.
i've made the choice and changing for the better.
support me.

i've met up with ShuXian, Mischa and Gracie.
yes, i miss them like madness.
it's like how long have i never really sit down with them and talk about those ongoings.
yes, i do miss those old times when plenty of time is around.
guess, time really pass fast.

so, monday, i met up with ShuXian and Misha.
but i met up with ShuXian first to have lunch since Misha is busy at work.

went to Ma Maison at Bugis.
well, it's really a nice place to dine.
and it well reminded me of a place in Japan that i've dined at back then.

the set lunch is pretty cheap as well.
2 sets of lunch only came up to 34.
which means, 1 set around 17 bucks.
and the set lunch includes soup of the day, salad, bread/rice, main course and coffee/tea.
worth it isn't it?

the environment is quite homely and warmly.
it's like back to olden western days.
the service isn't bad as well.

just take a look at the menu.
it's made of leather, unique isn't it?

their billing system is quite unique as well.
maybe i kiasu or something, but this is the first time that i ever came across this kind of system.
i was given a key and when i ask for the bill, i just have to produce the key at the counter.












after dining at Ma Maison, we were seriously craving for desserts in MOF.
so there we go and we hope over to MOF and have our desserts.
and as you all know MOF is a Japanese Style type of cafe.
so, what's famous in Japanese desserts?
Green Tea related stuff and red bean right?
and that SHUXIAN, qi si wo, DON'T EAT GREEN TEA RELATED STUFF!
dammit, there goes my Green Tea ice cream.
:(

we only order desserts, and the blur waitress asked something that sort of stunned us.
" do you want it to be served now or later? "
HAHA, maybe funny to me and ShuXian, but we only have desserts eh.
if don't serve now, when you going to serve us?
LOL.

after the 2 desserts are served, we started to fool around.
guess we were pretty noisy then, since there wasn't much people.

This is what i call Greedy Pig!

Only food in her eyes and mind!

Rice dumpling VS "meatball"?

HAHAHA!

my hair looks long here, but in fact, it's not!
GROW FASTER PLEASE!

Guess she don't know how to use Camera Phone?

so seriously we ate alot of food.
and was like super full when we left.
i felt like a glutton!
GOSH!

aftermath, headed over to Haji Lane and Arab Street.

and she was the model, i'm the photographer.
it's really funny but the sun wasn't good.

spoiler.

after everything went over to City Hall and met up with Misha.

and it's like really long since i ever saw her.

so it was really nice to see her that day.

while waiting for bus at the bus stop to head over to city hall,

we started to camwhore and making funny faces.

people stared, we don't care.

guess that uncle just wanna take a pic with her.

Chilled around Esplanade and talk about those silly old stuff.

it seem really childish, wtf, act cute and etc.

but it's really those times that were really fun and fast flying.

guess, it's quite impossible to be like that time once more.

met up with gracie the day after for dinner.

went to have Northern Indian food.

NAAN, i just love it

had some chats and updated each other on the happenings.
it seems like we haven't really talk like that for a very long time.
and i really miss her and love all this conversations.
i shall meet up with her more often if possible.
just like those old times!

i need to meet up with darling soon!
i miss that woman!
TUESDAY FASTER COME PLEASE!

how much memories are been gained in every step of life?
how much of these memories are being recalled when looking through?
did those memories bring back wants, silly laughters, regrets and tears to you?
but mine did.

why do these memories bring tears and regrets to me?
making me regret of not holding it tight and hold on.
making those eyes teary yet holding back.
i guess, it's something that i just couldn't control.

if i could get back to the past, will i have made that very decision?
but, i can't even get back to the past.
so why should i have regrets and think about those "if"?
there's nothing much to be done actually.

looking back at those old pictures, memories are being brought.
we may cry, laugh, regret and wanting for more.
but what else can be done?
nothing.

i do treasure those memories.
i seriously do.
i'm sorry for not holding on and giving in.
i should have do my part.

well, have added a new beautiful melody to my blog.

it brought me tears and some painful memories.
making me regretting more.
but i won't regret who i've loved.

there's no doubt that i make silly mistake.
but what done is done.
i either choose to regret or treat it as a lesson.
maybe, i should not regret.

i feel like tearing now.
i miss the old me, i miss my friends, i miss him.
i miss those times when everything was in place.
now everything seem to be falling apart.
yet i can't do anything.
i'm plain useless.

g, you know how i feel.
yet you can't forget the past.
it's time to move on.
i'll wait.