Breaking in Fear.

frequent nightmares, broke up in sweat.

continuously haunting me, making me fear.

unable to move on, unable to let go.

i can't handle myself anymore.

you're so dear to me, yet there's too much common.

i'm afraid, imperfection.

a wrong word, a wrong act

misunderstanding might just occur.

tell me what to do, tell me how.

maybe i should just stop, no wrong should go further.

a stop to all these, not to cheapen myself further either.

nothing should proceed further than norm.

a lesson to be learnt, yet i didn't.

an err to prevent, yet its repeating.

a threat that wasn't necessary, yet thanks to foolishness.

constantly making sin, i'm a sinner.

tell me what should be done?

well, have added a new beautiful melody to my blog.

it brought me tears and some painful memories.
making me regretting more.
but i won't regret who i've loved.

there's no doubt that i make silly mistake.
but what done is done.
i either choose to regret or treat it as a lesson.
maybe, i should not regret.

i feel like tearing now.
i miss the old me, i miss my friends, i miss him.
i miss those times when everything was in place.
now everything seem to be falling apart.
yet i can't do anything.
i'm plain useless.

g, you know how i feel.
yet you can't forget the past.
it's time to move on.
i'll wait.

tell me please, who am i to you?
who am i to me is no longer important.
but who am i to you is a meaning.
i long for the chats we used to have.

if that's a mistake, i shouldn't have made.
i should have know myself well.
tell me what else can i do to make up for it?
i'm sorry.

seem like we are crashing in all ways.
what you want, isn't what i expect.
what i want, is not what you want.
we have different think, different mind.
maybe this was the reason that we have been searching for ages.
the difference in us that didn't made us together.

you might not have realise this.
but it's surfacing to reality.
maybe, after tomorrow, we will know what we want.
we ain't make for each other in all sense.
it's sad to say, but guess we're just friends in all.
there's no further explanation needed.

today i've finally realised.
i'm not a happy girl no matter how hard i tried.
maybe just for a moment, but not for long.
i don't know what wrong with me,

today i've the huge urge to dash through the busy road.
seem like a perfect way of ending this torture.
the picture of ending it seem wonderful.
my life, it's just another dreadful mistake.

my mum, should have abort me in the first place.
so there wouldn't be so much suffering in me.
no, i don't blame her for the decision she made.
but, it's just one silly mistake she have made.
if time were to return to that point, what the decision will be?

in this past 18 years, i believe there's lots of regrets.
one who is truely happy, should have no regrets.
but why am i full of it?
i seem to be so different from others.
pictures with me in it, are not perfect.
i'm sorry for making it so.
i've got no control.

i somehow pray that, tomorrow the scan will be a negative one.
it will create my very first step towards death.
i pray hard for it.