that's not it.

as always, what can i do?

i'm fine, i'm okay.

it's not the fact.

just that, i'm used to it.

i've gotta force myself,

i've gotta bend my feelings,

i've gotta let go of my thoughts,

just not to make things ugly.

i'm demanding,

but there isn't a exit for it.

as much as i need to reach out,

the more i get rejected and dump.

make this a joke,

laugh out loud at me.

make me a joke,

treat me as a clown.

i wouldn't mind,

i wouldn't care.

just be there,

that's all i need.

yet, nobody knows,

nobody understand.

misunderstand and left.

what's more to add?

it's done,

i'm losing myself.

where am i?

the past tense.

Normality?

just like every other usual day.

woke up with sun shining.

it's blue with clouds yet again.

nothing seem to roaring up,

nothing seem to be in danger zone.

talks were normal, without a tint of heat.

are things going back to norm?

or are they just taking a break from everything?

feeling unsafe, feeling disturb.

at least i know, i still don't feel fine.

a need in some help, who to call?

i need some great day out, it have been a long time.

i miss my friends, past tense.

i miss my family, past tense.

i miss my environment, past tense.

i miss my life, past tense.

i miss me, past tense.

Deceiving.

how many times you turned you back and lied to you love ones?

how many times have you forced yourself to say those mean things?

how many times have you cried after those scenes?

how many times you hurt yourself with all those lies?

you can deceive the whole world, yet not yourself.

you can put a smile at the end of the lie, but not on the soring heart.

you can pretend you're alright, when you know deep down, you're not.

you can not know anything, but your heart does.

i hate lies, yet i can't help it.

i say mean things at times, but i don't feel good either.

i miss you people, those who i once hurt.

i need you here, but it's too late.

i'm remorseful, seriously.

Endless memories.

I thought everything was over,

but i'm just deceiving myself from everything.

you never left, not physically, but in my memories.

passed by the places we used to meet, a long walk before you enter.

remembering everything you did back then.

meaning little to you, yet it was unforgettable moments that i had with you.

thanks so much.

though i'm really upset by your doing,

and yes, everything was stained with a tint of hatred.

but still, you were a long chapter in my life.

i appreciate all of them.

Goodbye.

And I'll never love again,

you came and go, i don't need you.

what you left is just throbbing pain.

it became a stain that remains forever.

causing a phobia that was constantly reminded.

i hate everything that was done.

though i don't regret, but there's just plain hatred.

no, i should be thankful to everything you have done.

you're like taught all the "should not, never not".

everything was just a waste, wasted.

Trap in Agony.

why do i keep reminiscing the past?

flashback and memories.

how do i clear them away and live afresh?

it's haunting me, badly.

i tried really hard not to think about it anymore.

but, i'll just wonder off slowly and back to that spot.

i should have moved on, i thought i did.

yet, recent happenings, brought them all back to me at one go.

stop it, i shouted at myself.

forget about it, it's already the past.

you're stronger now, you know it well.

but no, i just hid everything in the deepest corner.

not removed.

pretendence seem to be my forte now.

nobody ever know, nobody ever see.

every single soul, thought i'm just fine on my own.

no, i'm not alright, i'm not okay, i'm not fine.

i'm just another girl.

Stop those Flashbacks.

do you know how it really irritate me?

every moment of the past, just came pouring down on me.

every ache i suffered, every pain and scar given.

nightmare that haunt me all night till i found myself so lost.

it's a reality, just too real, that was unbelievable.

it boils down to streaming tears in the heart, not the eyes.

crying for help, yet barely anyone heard it.

silly laughters that concealed the pain.

i was naive and stupid,

to believe and hold.

i was dumb and retarded,

to get fooled and played with.

my life seem so much of a downfall, never landing.

where's the helping hand that i needed?

don't tell me that you will always be there, it's a lie.

don' promise me anything, it will never be fulfilled.

i've got my emotions, no protection over it.

it's expose to all kind of happening and situation.

i'm not as strong that everybody thought i am.

neither am i that weak that you can really crush.

i'm trying really hard, i thought i succeeded

but actual fact, i ran away from it too long that it became too far back.

it's still there, never ever got healed or answered.

i'm good at running, never good at facing it hard.

not to, i told myself every single time.

shake myself away, leaving traces of memories print.

leaving pieces there as it were left.

remained there untouch.

i'm in pain, who cares?

seriously in pain.

Goodbye, Hello.

finally 2009 is over, gone for good.

i'm really glad that it finally ended.

2009 was really painful for me.

with all the bad happenings and down with luck,

i've really suffered tonnes of shit stuff.

it's not some great mishap, but it's enough to put me through all sort of torture.

emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually, and financially.

i may not be the worst of the worst, but definitely worst of the average.

yes, i've break down times over and over again.

i've got into all sort of troubles.

i'm being played and treated like a fool.

i've lost myself and almost couldn't be found again.

there's seriously more to say.

but, 2009 taught me lessons that i couldn't learn if those didn't happen.

i ought to be glad somehow.

2010, please be nice to me.

i need you to be good, really good.

well, at least, normal.

let me have my resolution half fulfill.

don't have me shedding my tears that often.

pull me through everything.

i just want a normal living.

love me, 2010.

i'll be good.

there's so much i want to tell you...


Gosh, i've got tons of photos to blog.
really, it's alot.

well, i'm really happy now.
it's those kind of relieve happiness.
i've made the choice and changing for the better.
support me.

i've met up with ShuXian, Mischa and Gracie.
yes, i miss them like madness.
it's like how long have i never really sit down with them and talk about those ongoings.
yes, i do miss those old times when plenty of time is around.
guess, time really pass fast.

so, monday, i met up with ShuXian and Misha.
but i met up with ShuXian first to have lunch since Misha is busy at work.

went to Ma Maison at Bugis.
well, it's really a nice place to dine.
and it well reminded me of a place in Japan that i've dined at back then.

the set lunch is pretty cheap as well.
2 sets of lunch only came up to 34.
which means, 1 set around 17 bucks.
and the set lunch includes soup of the day, salad, bread/rice, main course and coffee/tea.
worth it isn't it?

the environment is quite homely and warmly.
it's like back to olden western days.
the service isn't bad as well.

just take a look at the menu.
it's made of leather, unique isn't it?

their billing system is quite unique as well.
maybe i kiasu or something, but this is the first time that i ever came across this kind of system.
i was given a key and when i ask for the bill, i just have to produce the key at the counter.












after dining at Ma Maison, we were seriously craving for desserts in MOF.
so there we go and we hope over to MOF and have our desserts.
and as you all know MOF is a Japanese Style type of cafe.
so, what's famous in Japanese desserts?
Green Tea related stuff and red bean right?
and that SHUXIAN, qi si wo, DON'T EAT GREEN TEA RELATED STUFF!
dammit, there goes my Green Tea ice cream.
:(

we only order desserts, and the blur waitress asked something that sort of stunned us.
" do you want it to be served now or later? "
HAHA, maybe funny to me and ShuXian, but we only have desserts eh.
if don't serve now, when you going to serve us?
LOL.

after the 2 desserts are served, we started to fool around.
guess we were pretty noisy then, since there wasn't much people.

This is what i call Greedy Pig!

Only food in her eyes and mind!

Rice dumpling VS "meatball"?

HAHAHA!

my hair looks long here, but in fact, it's not!
GROW FASTER PLEASE!

Guess she don't know how to use Camera Phone?

so seriously we ate alot of food.
and was like super full when we left.
i felt like a glutton!
GOSH!

aftermath, headed over to Haji Lane and Arab Street.

and she was the model, i'm the photographer.
it's really funny but the sun wasn't good.

spoiler.

after everything went over to City Hall and met up with Misha.

and it's like really long since i ever saw her.

so it was really nice to see her that day.

while waiting for bus at the bus stop to head over to city hall,

we started to camwhore and making funny faces.

people stared, we don't care.

guess that uncle just wanna take a pic with her.

Chilled around Esplanade and talk about those silly old stuff.

it seem really childish, wtf, act cute and etc.

but it's really those times that were really fun and fast flying.

guess, it's quite impossible to be like that time once more.

met up with gracie the day after for dinner.

went to have Northern Indian food.

NAAN, i just love it

had some chats and updated each other on the happenings.
it seems like we haven't really talk like that for a very long time.
and i really miss her and love all this conversations.
i shall meet up with her more often if possible.
just like those old times!

i need to meet up with darling soon!
i miss that woman!
TUESDAY FASTER COME PLEASE!

well, have added a new beautiful melody to my blog.

it brought me tears and some painful memories.
making me regretting more.
but i won't regret who i've loved.

there's no doubt that i make silly mistake.
but what done is done.
i either choose to regret or treat it as a lesson.
maybe, i should not regret.

i feel like tearing now.
i miss the old me, i miss my friends, i miss him.
i miss those times when everything was in place.
now everything seem to be falling apart.
yet i can't do anything.
i'm plain useless.

g, you know how i feel.
yet you can't forget the past.
it's time to move on.
i'll wait.