Breaking in Fear.

frequent nightmares, broke up in sweat.

continuously haunting me, making me fear.

unable to move on, unable to let go.

i can't handle myself anymore.

you're so dear to me, yet there's too much common.

i'm afraid, imperfection.

a wrong word, a wrong act

misunderstanding might just occur.

tell me what to do, tell me how.

maybe i should just stop, no wrong should go further.

a stop to all these, not to cheapen myself further either.

nothing should proceed further than norm.

a lesson to be learnt, yet i didn't.

an err to prevent, yet its repeating.

a threat that wasn't necessary, yet thanks to foolishness.

constantly making sin, i'm a sinner.

tell me what should be done?

Deceiving.

how many times you turned you back and lied to you love ones?

how many times have you forced yourself to say those mean things?

how many times have you cried after those scenes?

how many times you hurt yourself with all those lies?

you can deceive the whole world, yet not yourself.

you can put a smile at the end of the lie, but not on the soring heart.

you can pretend you're alright, when you know deep down, you're not.

you can not know anything, but your heart does.

i hate lies, yet i can't help it.

i say mean things at times, but i don't feel good either.

i miss you people, those who i once hurt.

i need you here, but it's too late.

i'm remorseful, seriously.

i've decided.

i'm gonna leave for my major interest.
i'm not gonna waste anymore time and money on something that i do not like.
instead, i'm going for something else now that at lease give me a jab of adrenalin.

yes, i'm sorry sister for wasting so much of your money.
i'll repay you back and i'll work hard and prove to you that this is the better choice for me.
i'm not gonna regret, cause this is my final choice.

understand me, i don't like to force myself on something that i really dislike.
you might think this is a moment of foolishness, but to me is not.
it's a choice that i've delayed, no time shall be wasted anymore.
love me, trust me.

friends, support me.
remind me to stay focus and do not give up.
this might be a real tough battle for me.
but i believe that i can do it.
put faith in me, i'll prove myself.

loves. :)

how much memories are been gained in every step of life?
how much of these memories are being recalled when looking through?
did those memories bring back wants, silly laughters, regrets and tears to you?
but mine did.

why do these memories bring tears and regrets to me?
making me regret of not holding it tight and hold on.
making those eyes teary yet holding back.
i guess, it's something that i just couldn't control.

if i could get back to the past, will i have made that very decision?
but, i can't even get back to the past.
so why should i have regrets and think about those "if"?
there's nothing much to be done actually.

looking back at those old pictures, memories are being brought.
we may cry, laugh, regret and wanting for more.
but what else can be done?
nothing.

i do treasure those memories.
i seriously do.
i'm sorry for not holding on and giving in.
i should have do my part.

Basic Theory Test is tomorrow.
it's like finally after so long.
pray that i pass it well.

i got a little emo just now.
reflecting about last year.
comparing it to this year.
it's really different now.
people change, things are lost.

i ponder why it have to be.
i wonder what is going on.
an answer is need and yet to be answered.
what's really going on in here?

when time is gone, one regret.
unable to hold on tight and make use well.
making a wrong move, causing all to be lost.
apologise is never enough.
but what more could be done?

the misses are not touch.
the tears are not be seen.
the cries are not heard.
one is left alone, no one bothers.

what's the heaven up to?
causing all these pains and regrets.
what's the mighty lord playing with?
causing all the losses and tears.
nobody is certain.



KAREN TAN SIEW LEE

fear not, i'll be there to hold you tight.
you're a great friend that i will never wanna lose.
thanks for being there even if i kept it all to myself.
having you just right by me, is more than i can ask for.
no words might be exchanged, but presence are enough.

i'm sorry that i might be in a lost to help you at times.
but believe me, i'll never want to do that on purpose.
i'm just thinking of the best way to reduce the pain.
i'll catch your fall, be there anytime just for you.

you're a great friend, a great girl.
it's other people lost to lose you.
you're the best girl.
loves, baby.

well, have added a new beautiful melody to my blog.

it brought me tears and some painful memories.
making me regretting more.
but i won't regret who i've loved.

there's no doubt that i make silly mistake.
but what done is done.
i either choose to regret or treat it as a lesson.
maybe, i should not regret.

i feel like tearing now.
i miss the old me, i miss my friends, i miss him.
i miss those times when everything was in place.
now everything seem to be falling apart.
yet i can't do anything.
i'm plain useless.

g, you know how i feel.
yet you can't forget the past.
it's time to move on.
i'll wait.

tell me please, who am i to you?
who am i to me is no longer important.
but who am i to you is a meaning.
i long for the chats we used to have.

if that's a mistake, i shouldn't have made.
i should have know myself well.
tell me what else can i do to make up for it?
i'm sorry.

seem like we are crashing in all ways.
what you want, isn't what i expect.
what i want, is not what you want.
we have different think, different mind.
maybe this was the reason that we have been searching for ages.
the difference in us that didn't made us together.

you might not have realise this.
but it's surfacing to reality.
maybe, after tomorrow, we will know what we want.
we ain't make for each other in all sense.
it's sad to say, but guess we're just friends in all.
there's no further explanation needed.

today i've finally realised.
i'm not a happy girl no matter how hard i tried.
maybe just for a moment, but not for long.
i don't know what wrong with me,

today i've the huge urge to dash through the busy road.
seem like a perfect way of ending this torture.
the picture of ending it seem wonderful.
my life, it's just another dreadful mistake.

my mum, should have abort me in the first place.
so there wouldn't be so much suffering in me.
no, i don't blame her for the decision she made.
but, it's just one silly mistake she have made.
if time were to return to that point, what the decision will be?

in this past 18 years, i believe there's lots of regrets.
one who is truely happy, should have no regrets.
but why am i full of it?
i seem to be so different from others.
pictures with me in it, are not perfect.
i'm sorry for making it so.
i've got no control.

i somehow pray that, tomorrow the scan will be a negative one.
it will create my very first step towards death.
i pray hard for it.