the tough begins within a little blink.
it's awaiting, yet i'm not pending.
but there's the need for it, i have to do.
i need the prize, lose those pains.


it will be worth.
training today, start on monday.
ends at the end of the year.
it won't be long.

a meal to console the one who cried to her sleep last night.
it's not perfect, but it warmed her heart for a moment.
she, herself, treat herself best.


but, my stomach is not helping.
once again, i puked out everything after 20 mins.
is it my mind or stomach not accepting those food?
i can't comprehend.

and i won't crave or be hungry for the whole day.
maybe i should just stop eating and give up.
it's really tiring to eat and puke aftermath.

somehow, if you know, i feel alone.
who's real and fake?
i don't know.

i know, i have not much left.
nobody who is there to go crazy buffet with me,
nobody to go photography shoot with me,
nobody to go out in the night with me till dawn,
nobody to crap with me when i just needed it most,
nobody that are really them.

yes, i know there's one who can fulfill some of my wants.
but, maybe i'm greed.

i see other people's blog,
are photos with a group of crazy pals having lots of fun doing silly stuff.
i envy, i'm jealous.
but what can i do?

my friend circle just don't do that.
what can i ask for?
this is when, i realised i'm losing myself just because of my surrounding.

i'm not happy.

am i sick or depression or what?

i don't have the mood to eat much these couple of days.
after i eat, i'll feel nauseous and really unwell.
after a couple of mouth, i'll feel bloated.

its like, so not me.

i feel a little weak.
coughing, sneezing, tummy weirdness, lethargic.
yet i don't have a fever.

dear health,
if you want me to be sick, please let me fall real ill.
not like this, halfway done, it's irritating.
it's either i be sick, or not sick.
get it?

argh, it's coming again.
off to sleep.

G'nights

not to describe.